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For those of you who can't seem to get enough, and do not offend easily.
Of course if you run across something that you simply must send to your friends,
there is always cut and paste. Enjoy!
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase in a plan that would be known as EuroEnglish". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" in the language is disgrasful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a relisensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. |
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her. "Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold. "And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels. "Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof." "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?" POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
Woman's Quote of the Day: Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with. Men's Counter-Quote of the Day: Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
"Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) = Problem (S) = Solution (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire. (P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough. (S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft. (P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. (S) # 2 propeller seepage normal. #1, #3 and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage. (P) Something loose in cockpit. (S) Something tightened in cockpit. (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed. (P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to more believable level. (P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order. (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground. (P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) That's what they're there for. (P) Number three engine missing. (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search. (P) Aircraft handles funny. (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious. (P) Target Radar hums. (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with words.EDUCATION COURSES FOR WOMEN 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before. 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits. 3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday. 4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits. 5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game. 6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. 7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His. 8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . . 9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First. 10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking. 11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging. 12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire. 13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share. 14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up. 15. Introduction to Parking. 16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space. 17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor. 18. Water retention: Fact or Fat. 19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter. 20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption. 21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People. 22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully. 23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His. 24. Dancing: Why Men Don t Like To. 25. Sex - It's For Married Couples Too. 26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have. 27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice. 28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together. 29. Ballet: For Women Only. 30. Oil and Gas: You Car Needs Both. 31. Learning to Go in Public Toilets. 32. Learning to go to the Toilet in Public Without your Friends. 33. Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big? -Why Men Lie. 34. TV Remotes: For Men Only. 35. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion.
Visits to the Zoo A woman goes to a zoo, and while there was watching the monkeys. A zoo attendant throws a box of fruit into the cage and all the monkeys scurried to get their share. One particular monkey grabbed a banana and climbed up on a limb and carefully peeled it. The monkey then stuck the banana up his rectum and pulled it out and ate it. The poor woman who witnessed this was absolutely disgusted! She immediately went to the zoo manager to complain about the dirty monkey. After explaining what the monkey did, the zoo manager said, "We have a perfectly good explanation for that ma'am." "Well, I would like to hear it then! I cannot imagine any excuse for that kind of behavior!", exclaimed the woman. "Last week the attendant threw a box of fruit into the cage and the same monkey grabbed a peach. ...The monkey ate it so fast he swallowed the pit." "I don't understand", demanded the angry woman. "Well, you see the monkey had so much trouble passing the pit, now he sizes everything before he eats it!"
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! All my love. P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my Red Shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's manly man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? he yells. "You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a s**t. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch... do it and you die." The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
How To Talk About Men & Still Be Politically Correct He does not have a beer gut; He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. He is not quiet; He is a Conversational Minimalist. He is not stupid; He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development. He does not get lost all the time; He discovers Alternative Destinations. He is not balding; He is in Follicle Regression. He is not a redneck; He is a Genetically-Related American. You do not kiss him; You become Facially Conjoined. He is not a cradle robber; He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships. He does not get falling-down drunk; He becomes Accidentally Horizontal. He does not act like a total ass; He develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion. He is not short; He is Anatomically Compact. He does not have a rich daddy; He is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion. He does not constantly talk about cars; He has a Vehicular Addiction. He does not have a hot body; He is Physically Combustible. He is not unsophisticated; He is Socially Malformed. He does not eat like a pig; He suffers from Reverse Bulimia. He is not a bad dancer; He is Overly Caucasian. He does not hog the blankets; He is thermally Unappreciative. He is not a sex machine; He is Romantically Automated. He is not a male chauvinist pig; He has Swine Empathy. You do not undress him with your eyes; You have an Introspective Pornographic Moment. He is not afraid of commitment; He is Monogamously Challenged
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f**#*g everything.
Recruiting slogans Helping you figure out those slick and glossies from companies recruiting here are what they actually mean. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers. "IMMEDIATE OPENING" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. "PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. "COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT" We have a lot of turnover. "EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT" Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts. "JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes. "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "FLEXIBLE HOURS" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25. "DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control. . "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left. "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do. "ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD" You whine, you're fired. "COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control. "CAREER-MINDED:" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). "APPLY IN PERSON:" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Other Employment Jargon "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: "I've used Microsoft Office. "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies. "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes. "I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer. "I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot. "I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk. "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
In the lower ranks of the IT world, sorting out job titles is a nearly impossible task. Some folks are called Analysts. Some are called Programmers. Some are called Engineers. None of them have window offices. So I have listed-from lowest to highest in order of prestige and described the 10 most commonly used job titles in a data processing shop. A truly experienced high-tech professional has held five or even six of these positions...usually all at the same time. 10. Programmer: This person holds the lowest rank in the DP field. Manages no one. Answers to everyone. Approximately 50% of the Programmer's time is scheduled for testing. Another 50% is spent filling out time cards and progress reports. Any time left over is spent attending classes on technologies that will never be used in the shop. The Programmer is appraised on code quality and reliability. Never has time to write any. Hopes to, someday, be promoted to Systems Analyst. 9. Systems Analyst: The Systems Analyst refuses to code anymore. Designs new systems. Writes specs for new systems. Devises procedures and work flows for new systems but ends up training users on how to get by with the old ones. Next in line for Team Leader position. 8. Team Leader: A Team Leader manages one project. Doesn't know why he's not called Project Leader; that's what he has on his resume. 7. Project Leader: Manages several projects at once. Analyzes Gantt charts from the Team Leaders' projects. Coordinates schedules from the Team Leaders' projects. Monitors deliverables from the Team Leaders' projects. Has absolutely no idea what any of the Team Leaders' projects are about. Wants to be a programmer again. 6. Operator: The Operator wields powers that the Project Leader can only dream about. Makes Programmers beg for tape drives. Makes Analysts beg for disk space. Makes Team Leaders beg for printouts. Has an uncanny understanding of career potential in the data processing industry. Going to law school at night. 5. Systems Programmer: Even an Operator wants to be a Systems Programmer. A Systems Programmer has the authority to wipe out disk packs without warning. Crash the system during user demos. Make new releases appear, then disappear, then reappear again, especially during month-end processing. 4. DBA: No one really knows what the Database Administrator does, and no one is smart enough to know if the DBA is doing it or not. But every shop must have one DBA, because no place can afford two of them. 3. Manager: The Manager is sometimes called a Director. Or an Assistant Vice-President. Or an Account Manager. Has completely lost touch with any facsimile of technology. Wants to finish next year's budget. Wants to finish last year's appraisals. Wants to learn the names of some of the programmers. But instead, only has time to interview job applicants, especially DBAs. 2. Department Secretary: The Programmers have word processing. The Managers have electronic mail. Everyone has automatic phone messaging. This leaves the Department Secretary with all kinds of time to manipulate, control and dispense the three most basic needs: paychecks, rumors, and supplies. Can make copier self-destruct just by going to lunch. 1. Contract Programmer: A Contract Programmer doesn't have to wear a nice suit. Or go to meetings. Or keep complaints to himself. He can make all the mistakes he wants. He doesn't get benefits. He doesn't get training. He doesn't get respect. But after years in the trenches, the Contract Programmer will finally achieve the ultimate goal in the profession: He will be able to make impossible deadlines with inadequate resources for desperate managers by putting in all kinds of extra hours... and will be paid overtime for every one of them.
THESE USEFUL QUOTES WERE REPORTEDLY TAKEN FROM FEDERAL and MILITARY EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." 12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together." 13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless." 15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." 16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 17. "He's been working with glue too much." 18. "He would argue with a signpost." 19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately." 20. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 21. "When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell." 22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 24. "A prime candidate for natural deselection." 25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 31. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 32. "One neuron short of a synapse." 33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 34. "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes." 35. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead." 36. "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer." 37. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching." 38. "A room temperature IQ." 39. "Bright as Alaska in December." 40. "One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests." 41. "Fell out of the family tree." 42. "He's so dense, light bends around him." 43. "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS AND WERE PRINTED IN THE JULY 21, 1997 ISSUE OF FORTUNE MAGAZINE. 1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." 2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms." 3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." 4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." 5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people." 8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." 9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time." 10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." 11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." 12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments." 13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." 14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail." 15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing." 16. "My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." 17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant." 18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far." 19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments." 20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." 21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I've never quit a job." 22. "Marital status: often. Children: various." 23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions." 24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers." 25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten." 26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job ... "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to." "I was working smarter - not harder." "Whew! I musta left the top off the Liquid Paper." "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement!" "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people." "I'm in the management training program." "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!" "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!" "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
Job Performance Appraisal Terms If you work for a big company, you know what it's like when you get your performance review - telling you how great or how lousy you performed. If you are a student, it's sort of like grades with lots of comments. But what do these terms really mean? Here is a version that is probably quite close to the truth. - Average Employee: Not too bright. - Exceptionally Well Qualified: Made No Major Blunders Yet. - Active Socially: Drinks a lot - Family Active Socially: Spouse drinks, too. - Character Above Reproach: Still one step ahead of the law. - Zealous Attitude: Opinionated - Quick-Thinking: Offers plausible excuses. - Plans For Advancement: Buys drinks for all the boys. - Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs: Gets someone else to do it. - Expresses Themselves Well: Speaks in full sentences. - Meticulous: A nit picker. - Good Judgement: Lucky. - Career-Minded: Back-stabber. - Coming Along Well: About to be let go. - Of Great Value To The Organization: Gets to work on time. - Relaxed Attitude: Sleeps at desk. - Work Is First Priority: Too ugly to get a date. - Independent Worker: Nobody knows what he/she does. - Forward Thinking: Procrastinator. - Great Presentation Skills: Able To Bullshit. - Good Communication Skills: Spends lots of time on phone. - Loyal: Can't get a job anywhere else. - Keen Sense Of Humor: Knows a lot of dirty jokes.
New Company Programs As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel. Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The program will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are R.A.P.E.d will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.d, they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers). All employees who have been R.A.P.E.d or S.C.R.E.W.d may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.d once, S.C.R.E.W.d twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.d as many times as the company deems appropriate. If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.d or S.C.R.E.W.d by the company. Management wishes to assure younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained. In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.) The company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in this area. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR IN PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.) If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) Thank You The Management
An old, drunk guy walks into a biker bar and staggers up to the biggest meanest biker at the bar. He says "Yer momma is a sloppy lay". The whole place goes dead silent in anticipation of this guy's death. He staggers to a stool and sits down. To everyone's amazement, the biker doesn't even turn around. After another drink, the drunk old guy staggers back over to the biker and says "And she gives a sloppy BJ's too. bu-u-u-urp..." Again everyone is amazed. The biker sips his beer and doesn't even turn around as the guy staggers back to his seat. Another drink goes down...he staggers over once again, and this time pokes the big biker in the back and says "Yer momma even likes it ...bu-u-urp... up the backside too..." By this time the biker has had enough. He turns around and says.... "Yer drunk Dad...go home..."
Slobodan Milosevic's son is building a new Disney-like amusement park in Yugoslovia. He's calling it BambiLand . . because there's a good chance you'll see your mother get shot there.
The latest computer virus, the Melissa virus, was named after Melissa Etheridge because it eats your in-box.
- - - - - - Assassin Training - - - - - - - A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
Women's Training The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The second speaker, a lady from Russia stood up and said, "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but my washing as well." The crowd again cheered. The third speaker, a Cajun lady from Breaux Bridge, Louisiana, stood up and said, "Afta last years' conference, I went rat home and tole dat lazy Coonass husband'a mine, Boudreaux, dat I wadn't gonna do no mo'a his cookin', cleanin' or shoppin' and dat he wuz gonna have to do it all fer hissef." The crowd got to their feet and roared approval. When it became quiet, she continued, "And I tole'em I wadn't gonna be doin' no mo cleanin' 'em nasty crawfeesh, giggin' no mo boolfrogs and water dawgs, skinnin' none'a dem musrats and nutrias or check'n no mo catfeesh trotlines." The crowd went wild - the cheering and clapping lasted for at least five minutes. When it again became calm, she continued, "Afta the fust day, I didn't saw nuttin'. Afta the second day, I didn't saw nuttin' too. But afta the thud day, I could saw a little bit outta my left eye.
A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: Dear Madam, Enclosed you will find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note: Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, a veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Burl, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Burl was rumored to possess ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might entice Burl to satisfy the female gorilla. They approached him with a proposition: would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500? Burl: I might be interested. Let me think it over. He entered the zoo administrators' office the following day. Burl: I accept your offer, but with 3 conditions: 1st, I don't want to have to kiss her. 2nd, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result. The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but inquired about the 3rd condition? Burl: Well, you've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton- 2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong- 3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner- 4. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman- 5. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton- 6. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr- 7. I think-therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead- 8. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler- 9.Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson- 10.I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda Radner- 11.In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher- 12.I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem- 13.Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -Gloria Steinhem- 14.I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli- 15.Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith Summerskill- 16.If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee-
Tony, a man who was honest most of the time, died in a car accident. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he was not entirely free of sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he had cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years,... and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman. Tony approached Carlos and when he asked him what was going on, Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more than you did." They both shook their heads in disgust and figured that as long as they had to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly babes were walking along, minding their own business, when they see their friend Juan up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop-dead, gorgeous supermodel. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached Juan, and ask him how it is that he is with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these two god-awful women. Juan replied, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been without a doubt the best time of my life. And, I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I don't understand. Every time we have sex, she rolls over afterwards and mutters, 'Damn income taxes!'"
Tom walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop. "Yesssh, ssshombody stole my car!" Tom replies. The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key!" Tom replies. At this point the cop looks down to see that Tom's penis is hanging out of his trousers. The cop asks Tom, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?" Tom looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got my girlfriend too!!"
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." (Editor's note: Ouch.) Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?" "I can't remember, exactly ... Peter Peter, something or other...."
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary gear together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly--from out of the sky--a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut the ice again. The voice boomed again, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!" The blonde now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool and began to cut the ice again. The voice boomed even louder, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said "Is that you Lord?" The voice boomed back "No, this is the Ice-rink manager!"
SHE WAS SO BLONDE... ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK". ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ...she thought a quarterback was a refund. ...if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back. ...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade. ...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics". ...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Capricorn". ...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. ...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes. ...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless. ...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home. ...she tripped over a cordless phone.
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static." Store Clerk: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'
1.) What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop. 2.) Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First. 3.) Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home. 4.) What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but never see them. 5.) What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds. 6.) Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate. 7.) Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken. 8.) How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it. 9.) Why can't Blondes dial 911? They can't find the 11 on the phone! 10.) What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth! 11.) How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer? There is white-out all over the monitor. 12.) Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them. 13.) A brunnette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Where you ever a Blonde?""Yes I was." she replies. "why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!" 14.) A Blonde and a brunnette were walking outside when the brunnette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where,where?" 15.) A brunnette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21" A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21" Suddenly, the brunnette hears a train whistle and jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The Brunnette goes back to jumping from rail to rail , counting "22" "22" "22" 16.) How do you drown a Blonde? Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool. 17.) Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head. 18.) How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear. 19.) Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. 20.) Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for Winter". 21.) Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. 22.) A Blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Can't you see I'm winning?!" 23.) Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!" 24.) A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" 25.) Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. 26.) What happenned to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training. 27.) What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!" 28.) Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. 29.) How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
ONE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband asked, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear." TWO Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" THREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" FOUR A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." FIVE What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" SIX A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped." Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth." SEVEN Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!" A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere seconds away from unconsciousness when ....the WalMart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
Five young blond women are seated at a table at the back of a pub in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday. They are ordering pitcher after pitcher of beer and clearly celebrating. The bartender hears them chanting "FIFTY-THREE DAYS, FIFTY-THREE DAYS, FIFTY-THREE DAYS" and then giving each other high-fives and yelling "Woooooo woooooo wooooo." This goes on for a good three quarters of an hour before the bartender decides that he has to find out what all the noise is about. He walks to their table and says "Ladies, Ladies, what is all the hollering about." But the women are chanting "FIFTY-THREE DAYS" and whooping it up so, that they don't even notice him. Finally he gets the attention of one of the blondes and asks her what's going on. "We're celebrating" she says. "Well, clearly," replies the bartender, "but what's it all about? What is this fifty-three days thing." "Oh that," says the blond, "well, you see we bought this puzzle ... and we put the whole thing together in only fifty-three days. But guess what" the blondes asks proudly, "it said 'TWO-TO-FOUR YEARS' on the box." There once was a beautiful young blonde who was extremely tired of all the "dumb blonde" jokes. She was so distressed that she decided to dye her hair. Being very pleased with the results, she went for a ride in the country where she came upon a shepherd herding sheep. The sheep were so cute she just sat there and watched them. When the shepherd came by she said, "These are the cutest things I've ever seen. If I can guess the exact number of sheep, may I have one to take home for a pet?" Ever the gentleman, the shepherd said, "Sure." She guessed 379 sheep -- the exact number in the flock! The shepherd told her he would keep his end of the bargain so she began to look over the entire flock. There was one sheep that was cuter and more playful than all the rest, so she asked the shepherd if she could have that one, to which he replied "yes, a deal is a deal." Then the shepherd turned to the young woman and said, "I'd like to make another deal with you." "Alright," the young woman said. The shepherd replied, "If I can guess the true color of you hair, can I have my dog back?"
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie - - *poof* -- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. So, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, " I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." - - - *poof* The mirror swallows her. Next a rather overweight brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the s e x i e s t woman alive." - -*poof* The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." - - -*poof*! She's gone!
John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy. "What's the matter?" asks John. "Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges." "What's the picture of?" asks John. "It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy. "All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look." So he goes over to Buffy's house. Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the cornflakes back in the box.
Nurse Nancy Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment. Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute. Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? A: The sex is the same but you get the remote. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A: The swallow. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? A: Marriage. Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong? A: Made her chain too long. Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain. Q: Why is a hurricane like a women? A: It starts with a great blow, but when it's over your house and car are gone. Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A. Through his chest with a sharp knife. Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A. Because those men already have boyfriends. Q. What is a blonds view of safe sex? A. A padded headboard. Q. How do men sort their laundry? A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable" Q. Why did God create man? A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Q. What do you call a smart blonde? A. A golden retriever. Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse? A. The one with the dirty knees. Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side. Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts? A. The blonde, because she's 18. Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? A. When you take it off you wonder where the breast went. Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? A. Two mothers-in-law. Q. What do you get when you cross 1,000 state workers with 1,000 lesbians? A. 2,000 people that don't do Dick!
Q: What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.? A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off. Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair? A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A: The swallow. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick? A: You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck. Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? A: Marriage. Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for? A: It's Braille for "suck here." Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong? A: Made her chain too long. Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch. Q: Why is a hurricane like a woman? A: It starts with a great blow, but when it's over your house and car are gone. Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A. Through his chest with a sharp knife. Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike? A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled. Q. Why are men like public toilets? A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap. Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common? A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life. Q. How can you tell if a man is happy? A. Who cares? Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish? A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. Q. Why do men want to marry virgins? A. They can't stand criticism. Q. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? A. 1. No mind. 2. No business. Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? A. He knows firsthand the penalty for early withdrawal. Q. Why are men like laxatives? A. They irritate the crap out of you. Q. Why do men name their penises? A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions. Q. Why do men like masturbation? A. Its sex with someone they love. Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A. The porcupine has pricks on the outside. Q. How do men sort their laundry? A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable". Q. Why did God create man? A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. Q. Why do men love computers? A. No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in. Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A. A woman would never accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy!! ...and a computer can't turn a 3.5" floppy into a hard drive in a matter of seconds.
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****." 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 8. You're counting down the days until menopause. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN.Baby Boomers - Then and Now Then: Killer Weed Now: Weed Killer Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine Then: Hoping for a BMW Now: Hoping for a BM Then: The Grateful Dead Now: Dr. Kevorkian Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint Now: Getting a new hip joint Then: Moving to California because it's cool Now: Moving to California because it's warm Then: Being called into the principal's office Now: Storming into the principal's office Then: Peace Sign Now: Mercedes Logo Then: OJ, cutting & slashing Now: OJ, cutting & slashing Then: Getting your head stoned Now: Getting your headstone Then: "The Making of the President" Now: The making of the President Then: "Going blind" Now: REALLY going blind Then: Long hair Now: Longing for hair Then: Acid rock Now: Acid reflux Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral Then: President Johnson Now: The President's johnson Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President Now: Fighting to keep the lying President Then: The perfect high Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund Then: Elvis in the army Now: Elvis in a UFO Then: Keg Now: EKG Then: Swallowing acid Now: Swallowing antacid Then: You're growing pot Now: Your growing pot Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Then: Passing the driving test Now: Passing the vision test Then: Seeds and stems Now: Roughage Then: Popping pills, smoking joints Now: Popping joints Then: Whatever?. Now: Depends Then: "Off the pigs" Now: "No bacon please, I'm watching my cholesterol" Then: Ommmmmm Now: Ummmmm Then: The poor trying to get a buck. Now: The President giving those bucks to the rich.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes, Asshole! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large...all in the name of humor!" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this, Mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
A blonde got lost in a snow storm in her car. She remembered that her dad once told her, "If you ever get lost in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it". Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got lost in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart, now you can follow me to K-Mart".
This blonde was sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So she made up her mind that she would show her husband that blondes really are smart. One day, while he was at work, she purchased a can of paint and decided to repaint the living room. Her husband arrived home at 5:30. and smelled the distinctive odor of paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He observed that she was wearing a ski jacket as well as a fur coat. He went over to her and asked if she was OK. She acknowledged that she was. He then asked what she was doing. She replied that she had set out to prove to him that not all blondes are dumb and, to do so, she had elected to paint the living room. He then asked why she was wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat. Her response was that she had read the directions on the paint can and they said.... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette,and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks." The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".
THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Six months... And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a stinking garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say. And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a worthless warranty. I'll take their warranty and (edited) ..... . "Roger," Elaine says aloud. What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh, I feel so ... so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger." she says. "Thank you." says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.) The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
The Koala Bear & the Hooker A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker . . . for three hours straight. She has multiple orgasms ... After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living." The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf and grabs a dictionary and thumbs it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: "HOOKER: person who has sex for money". Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR: eats bushes and leaves."
An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping". To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling". And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies". He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I did nota hava no broom. You a said to the Chinese a guy thata he a was a in a charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I could no find a him." Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and says, "Didn't I tell you to shovel?" The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad. But I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in chairg of supplies, but I counna fin' him". The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy...Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells.............."SUPPLIES!!!"
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Cop: Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Amish lady: Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. Cop: That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Jacob: Well, dear, what exactly did he say? Amish lady: He said the reflector is broken. Jacob: I can fix that in two minutes. What else? Amish lady: I'm not sure, Jacob....something about the emergency brake.
You Know You're In Arizona When: You've signed so many petitions to recall governors you can't remember the name of the incumbent You notice your car overheating before you drive it You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink You can hear the weather forecast of 115 degrees without flinching You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour... and it'll be over 100 degrees You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your car You know you can make sun tea instantly You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace The best parking place is determined by shade -- not distance You realize that "Valley Fever" isn't a disco dance Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one You can pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim" and "Cholla" It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation and yet all the streets are totally empty of both people and cars You actually burn your hand opening the car door Sunscreen is sold year round, kept right at the checkout counter Sunscreen w/a formula less than 50 spf is a joke You put on fresh sunscreen just to go check the mailbox Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them Worse -- some fools actually try to jog You know that hot air balloons can't rise, because the air temperature is hotter than the air inside the balloon No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car You can understand the reason for a town named "Why"
GROSS RECORDS Callus Collection Florence Franklin of Peoria, IL, hold the record. As of Sept 12, 1992, Florence had over 200 pounds of callus in her collection. "I shave it off people," Florence told us. "They don't mind. Some people even autograph the big pieces." Infestation of Mites (Group) This record belongs to the 3,859 residents of Itchy Butt, Montana. In 1989, visiting doctors certified that every person in the town was suffering from scabies, a skin disease caused by mite infection. "The mites seemed to be jumping from one person to another," the mayor of Itchy Butt told us, "so we decided to get together and go for the record." Snail-Sucking (Live) Armand Forcalquier, of Marseille, France, holds the record. In a contest held on Feb 12, 1992, Armand sucked down 1,238 live snails in a little over 4 hours. "It was not easy," Armand boasted after he learned the record was his. "They cling to their shells, but they can't get away from me." Nose Stuffing (Limburger Cheese) Hans Kleiber, of West Berlin, holds the record. In a contest held on May 1, 1986, Hans managed to stuff 13 ounces of limburger into his nostrils in less than a minute. Hans' closest competitor gagged on nine ounces and was disqualified. Raw Kidney (Eating) Alice Caldwell of Butte, Montana, holds the record. On Oct 22, 1991, Alice gobbled up more than 14 pounds of raw veal and lamb kidneys. "Kidneys are a good source of protein and vitamins," Alice told us. "If you cook them, you lose some of the vitamins. As you can see, I don't care about the record - I care about my health." Roach (Largest) Rita Carlson, of Pasadena, CA, claims the record for having raised the world's largest roach. Her record-setting roach is over a foot long and weighs close to two pounds (1992). "Plenty of protein," Rita told us, "and plenty of good, natural vitamins helped to make this roach into a champion. You should have seen it when I first found it crawling around my kitchen." {There are a couple more roach records. One is highest paid for a roach named Lassie II ($112,450) and longest living (Lassie, 12 years). Both roaches came from roach aficionado Sheila Biderman. About the oldest roach, Sheila reports that "She's like one of the family. If she ever gets too old to poke around food by herself, you can bet I'll do the humane thing and step on her, record or no record."} Socks (Continuous Wear) Andy Schwartz, of Glen Ridge, NJ, claimed the record in 1989. In a sworn statement, Andy's wife declared that he had worn the same socks every day for twenty years and 114 days. In 1983, shoe stores throughout New Jersey banned Andy from their premises. Since then he has purchased his shoes through the mail. Andy plans to remove the socks and take a look at his feet in 1999. Tapeworm (Longest) Sally Mae Wallace of Great Grits, Mississippi, holds the record. On Sep 5, 1991, doctors extracted 37 feet (continuous) of tapeworm from Sally. "About after 20 feet of that thing had come out of my mouth," Sally told us, "I just knew I had the record. I was really filled with joy." Tongue (Hairiest) Selma Ruby, of Dallas, Texas, holds the record. Selma's tongue is fully covered with hair (1992). "I've been thinking about having it removed by an electrolysis," Selma told us, "though lately people have been telling me that it's beautiful." Underarm Hair (Length) Florence Floss of Ban, Idaho, holds the record. On July 15, 1992, the hair growing out of Florence's left armpit stretched to a length of 34 inches. This was more than enough for a record, but Florence hopes to have a yard of hair dangling from her armpit soon. "I shave the other armpit," Florence reported to us. Feet (Smell) On Aug 21, 1991, Wanda Lake, 18, broke the record held by George David. Wanda removed her shoes in the crowded lobby of a Los Angeles theatre. In the five minutes that followed, the lobby was a chaotic mass of panic-stricken people trying desperately to escape. In the end, 42 people were sick, and 14 others had passed out.
Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" Says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mummy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh my god... And what about uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 9854-7039?"
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mudhole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
The Football Fans Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead body. Out of respect and propriety, the Charger fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The 49er fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Cowboys fan took his cap off and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Charger cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the 49er cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Cowboys cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Cowboys fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised; normally when I look under a Cowboys hat, I find an asshole."
Police arrested Jon Terrence McCarter, a 27 year old white male, resident of Dixon, IL, in the Sanderson Pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. McCarter will be charged with lewd and lacivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't, he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. McCarter went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, McCarter apparently failed to notice the Dixon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (McCarter) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached McCarter. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?" Taylor arrested him but said that the suspect accepted his predicament in good humor. "I have to give him credit... that was a quick comeback." Taylor said of the man's comment. Taylor summed up the event with one statement. "Seven years I've been patrolling this area; this was a first."
An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
Three samurai meet to decide which among them is the greatest swordsman. The judge approached the first samurai and opened a small box. Out flew a fly. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly fell to the ground, neatly sliced in half. "Very impressive," said the judge. Now the judge came to the second samurai a again opened a small box. The samurai's sword flashed twice and the fly fell neatly cut into four parts. "Superb," exclaimed the judge! Finally it was the third samurai's turn. The judge opened a third small box and a third fly buzzed out. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly continued to buzz away. The third samurai put up his sword with a satisfied grin on his face. "But the fly still lives" observed the judge. "True," replied the samurai, " But he can never have babies again!"
Allowance An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers." Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments." With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers." Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."
Buying Condom A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47". This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
Top 10 Sex Jokes #10 There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts. # 9 A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and decides to share his recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that he was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with the beautiful breasts of the girl to the counter, that instead of saying "I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh", he said, "I'd like a picket to Titsburg!"! An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know, I had a similar experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast table. and I meant to say, "Darling, could you please pass the butter" ... but what came out was, "You bitch, you're ruining my f--king life!" # 8 A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." # 7 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." # 6 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" # 5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." # 4 A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies "She choked." # 3 A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle". # 2 A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown" The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said "Turn around". # 1 This one made it No.1 in just 1 day !!!! What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night ? "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft !"
The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, VT named Scott Williams who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare time. Anyway...here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing. Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078 Dear Mr. Williams: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled 93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids. 3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Chief Curator- Antiquities
"Bad Day" The following is taken from a Florida newspaper some time ago: A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband . After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor again. His trousers had been blown away, and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle. And you thought you had a bad day?
RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all. And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with. During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy ....why are you doing that? He said ...Because you came home early. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... But he pulled through. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him... do you think we'll ever find them? He said... I don't know kid ...there are so many places they can hide. My wife made me join a bridge club. Next Tuesday is when I jump. My wife... her cooking is so bad; The flies chipped in together and bought her a screen door! I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said...I don't know but your eyesight is perfect. When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ...turned me over and said. Look... twins! I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I dont have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home agian I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more." The doctor thinks for a secound and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"
There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up. The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?" He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky." The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others laughed at this and asked "why an electrician?" He replied, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!" The third one said "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?" He replied, "so I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish. " The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment.... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? -:You only get laid once. -:You only get eaten once. -:It takes 4 minutes to get hard. -:Only 2 minutes to get soft. -:You share your box with 11 other guys. -:But worst of all...The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up...Your life ain't that bad!
Guy in hell Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. The first room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy is not keen on this and asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says, "Okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved."
Comprehending Engineers 1. Take One A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" 2. Take Two There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". That part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded: One chalk mark $1.00 Knowing where to put it $49,999.00 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace. 3. Take Three What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. 4. Take Four The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" 5. Take Five Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" 6. Take Six An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." 'Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." 7. Take Seven An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The first engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
The first series is true computer stories, the second is light bulb jokes. 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to; "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. 4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies. DUH! 5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. 6 . Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. Amazing.....just amazing. 7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and; washing them individually. Did ya ever wonder how some people survive one day on the planet?????? 8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. 9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find the printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer... but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer. 10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. 11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" 12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the call, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive! 13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk... I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
Light Bulb Jokes Q. How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? A. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Q. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Besides, Calvinists don't change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed. Q. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Change? Q. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? A. One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today. Q. How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation. Q. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? A. At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light. Q. How many members of an established 20-year old church does it take to change a light bulb? A. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they really liked the old one better. Q. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? A. This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted--all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence." Q. How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb A. Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out. Q. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? A. One Hundred and Nine -- 7 on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who, then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
Beer You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol Than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill; Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply Sir, you're drunk! --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill; Yes, Madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly. --His reply If God had not intended us to drink beer, He would not have given us stomachs. --David Daye Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson I'm allergic to grass, so what? It could be much worse, I could be allergic to beer. --Greg Norman
Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler were plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. They claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
***Airline Funnies*** Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight." "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!" Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at USAirways."
A business man tells of flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. There had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Visualize this; All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
Lifeboat John and Phil were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from their sinking fishing boat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Phil stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, Phil rubbed the lamp vigorously. To their amazement, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the Phil blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as Phil and John considered their circumstances. After a long, tension-filled moment, John finally spoke up: "Nice going Phil! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat." ========== Math Story ========== A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"
Q: What's the difference between a computer store salesman and a used-car salesman? A: The used-car salesman knows when he's lying Q: Why don't women play Football? A: The kitchen isn't big enough!
Confucius Say... "Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit." "Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth." "Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag." "Man who kisses girl's behind, get crack in face." "Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly." "Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day." "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night." "Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone." "Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town." "He who farts in church, sits in own pew." "Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk." "Man who live in glass house, dress in basement." "Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing." "Man with penis in peanut butter is f--king nuts." "Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have crappy time." "Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent." "Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand." "Man who run in front of car, get tired" "Man who run behind car, get exhausted" "Man who fly upside down, have crack up" "Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly." "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ." "Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok" "Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails." "Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it." "War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left." "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house." "Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night." "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!" "Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!" "It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it." "Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!" "Man who sit on tack get point!" "Man who lives in glass house should change in basement" "He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs." "Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk"
Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk! if you love peace and quiet. Remember, half the people you know are below average. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I intend to live forever - so far so good. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Two wrongs are only the beginning. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. Always try to be modest and be proud of it! If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in telekinesis? ...Raise my hand... Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Everyone has a photographic memory, Some don't have film. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Test of Manhood: 1) In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: a) lovemaking b) screwing c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town 2) You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship b) your blood-test results c) five tequila slammers 3) You time your orgasm so that: a) your partner climaxes first b) you both climax simultaneously c) you don't miss Sports Center 4) Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a) healthy, creative love-play b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about 5) Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: a) the best part of the experience b) the second best part of the experience c) $100 extra 6) Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: a) No concern of yours b) not a problem, she can join your gym c) a conservative estimate 7) You think today's sensitive, caring man is: a) a myth b) an oxymoron c) a moron 8) Foreplay is to sex as: a) appetizer is to entree b) primer is to paint c) a line is to an amusement park ride 9) Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? a) "I hope we can still be friends." b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep." c) "Welcome to Dumpsville; population, YOU." Evaluating the results: If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused. If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "You DA MAN!"
Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. Excuse the language. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter....True story. April, 1998 Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of garbage sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My butt crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship. Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well one Thursday, she is playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He is going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table. When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great! Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified. "You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would boink like fiends. Two months later, her husband died. That next Thursday after the funeral, the bridge women attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."
West Virginia Angst.... One day, a 4th grader came home from school and asks his father. "Dad, everyone in class can count to 100, but I can only count to 10. How come?" His father says, "Well son, that's because you're from West Virginia." The next day, the 4th grader came home from school and says. "Dad, today everyone in class recited the entire alphabet. I only know up to the letter 'L.' How come?" Again, his father replies, "Well, that's because you're from West Virginia." Then one day, the 4th grader came home and was all excited, wearing a smile from ear to ear. He says, "Dad! Dad! Today, we were in gym class, and all the boys had little penises, but mine was huge! Is that 'cause I'm from West Virginia??" His father replies, "No son, that's because you're 28 years old."
What's In A Sack???? Two West Virginia hillbillies approach each other on a country road. One is carrying a sack over his shoulder. "Hey, Billy Bob," calls out to the other, "What you got in that sack?" "Some chickens." "If I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one of them?" "Hell, Joe Bob, if you guess how many chickens I got in the sack, I'll give you *both* of them." "Okay. Er... Five?"
THAT'S FANTASTIC! A man walks into an agents office and says "I want to be on TV." The agent replies, "Well, what do you do?" The Man says, "Well, I can't sing or dance, but I can do this..." He pulls down his pants and starts to whistle 'Dixie' out of his Ass. "THAT'S FANTASTIC!" the agent says, "Hang on a minute," he picks up the phone and calls one of his agent friends, "Listen to this" he says to his friend excitedly and puts the telephone next to the man's butt. He starts to whistle the tune again in perfect rhythm. "What do you think of that?" he asks his co-hort. "Just sounds like some ASSHOLE whistling Dixie to me!"
It's a Bird..... Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A Bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was laying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here." The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Special order.... A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied, "Oh?, But that's what I got yesterday!"
Having a baby..... A young teenager runs into the house and asks her mother "Is it true what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that boy's thingies go in?" "Yes," replied her mother pleased that the embarassing subject had finally come up and she didn't have to explain. "Oh God! When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?"
Milk..... A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display. The first has a picture of a little boy with a white mustache. Below the picture is the inscription "Got Milk." The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. The accompanying phrase? "Forgot Milk." The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache. "Not Milk."
Dead Chicken??? Kay Martin, a secretary to a New Zealand MP, got the fright of her life a few weeks ago. According to the Auckland Sunday Star, she and a friend were chatting over a drink when they heard a chicken squawking. The bird sounded in some distress, so they went outside to investigate, thinking perhaps that it had escaped from one of the neighbors. But, there were no chickens anywhere. Then Martin realized with horror that the sound was coming from her own kitchen - coming, in fact, from the oven, where she had put a chicken in to roast half an hour earlier. "It was as if it was shrieking at me from its grave," she says. "It was so bizarre I just froze." As they approached the oven, the squawking reached a crescendo. They took the tray out, and as the chicken began to cool, the squawking died away. Martin chopped the neck off and threw it in the sink. She noticed that the vocal chords were intact. "Steam was coming up the neck from the stuffing," says Martin, and this had caused the dead bird to squawk. She has not cooked chicken since.
Quickies..... Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A: K9P. Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water? A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago." Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery? A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay. Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill-dough Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A: He heard the snowblower coming.
Prescription for Viagra.... This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
T.V. Evangelist.... A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick. "If only you would pray with him and place your right hand in the air and place your left hand on the afflicted area." So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his wife says "Gee honey He said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
Any problems???? A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up, and says to the man, "So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?" "Yes, Doc," the old man slowly responded, "My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered." This took the doctor quite by surprise. "You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age. I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So why are you complaining?" "Well," the old man said, "I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered." Still confused, the doctor said, "I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive." "Doc," the old man said, "You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here," pointing to his head, "to here,".
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight? WIFE: That's a good idea. *YOU* stand by the ironing board & *I'll* sit on the sofa & fart.
Out on the lawn.... A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam. "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man. "Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
Not Satisfied.... Bill came home dejected because a boyhood friend was about to be executed, by hanging from the neck, for murder, but his mood wasn't improved when his bitchy wife started berating him after dinner for one thing after another. "That's enough!" he finally announced. "Poor Sam Wright is going to die tonight, and all you can do is yell at me. I'm going upstairs." Alone, watching TV, the woman had begun to regret her conduct when a newscaster reported that the condemned man had been given a last hour reprieve. She hurried upstairs, heard water running, burst into the bathroom and yanked open the shower-stall door, looking at her naked husband she shouted, "They're not hanging Wright tonight!" "Good god, woman!" Shouted back her husband, "Isn't there anything about me that satisfies you?"
The Deodorant, a true story.... A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."
The Macho Texan.... A young woman was impressed by the massive Texan in the bar. "Pardon me, sir, but can I ask about the measurements of your chest. I am amazed." "Well, thank you, ma'am. It's 33 inches." "Wow, around?" "No, ma'am. Through." "Well, then, sir. What about your waist?" "It's 28 inches." "Around?" "No, ma'am. Through." "Well, then. One last question. What about the size of your organ." "You see, ma'am. It's 3 inches!" "Wow, " said the woman. "Through?!" "Oh, no, Ma'am. From the floor!!!
There was a man who had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off and he couldn't provide her with the things she wanted, so he made do by doing everything she asked around the house. One night the wife came home late, wearing a diamond necklace. Knowing that he hadn't given her the money to buy such expensive jewelry, he asked, "Where did you get that from?" The wife quickly replied, "I won it at bingo, now go draw my bath." He did as she commanded and said not another word about it. The next night the wife came home late, wearing a mink coat. Once again, the husband became suspicious and asked, "Where did you get that from?" The wife replied, "Same place as the necklace. I won it at bingo. Now go draw my bath." Once again, he did as he was told and said not another word about it. The next night the wife came home late again, this time driving a brand new Mercedes Benz. The husband, overcome with suspicion asked, "Where the Hell did you get that from?" His wife, still trying to maintain her cool, and her control over her husband, answered, "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things from!! I told you where I get this. I won it at bingo. Now go upstairs and run my bath for me, and not another word about it!" The man quietly went upstairs. A few moments later the wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub. The wife yelled from the bathroom, "How come you put so little water in the tub?" The husband yelled back from the bedroom, "I didn't want you to get your bingo card wet."
Surprise Gift.... An eye-doctor was having his 40-year birthday and had gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed. Eagerly, the doctor removed and looked down on the cake and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes. The guest asked him why he laughed. After some minutes of laughing and wiping his eyes, the doctor said, "I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist."
Airline humors.... Here are some supposedly true humorous statements by several airline flights crews. Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position." "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane." "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft." A frequent line used at the end of a flight is, "Our flight attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that you might wanna give us!" Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!" "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please, place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please, do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." "If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!" This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, one of the most bone jarring I've experienced; The steward came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault.......it was the asphalt!" From a Southwest Airlines employee..."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more." "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
Many Universities, colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems this may cause when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. (Probably not funny to the individual involved though). Some examples follow: Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University): eatonsht@dku.edu Martha Elizabeth Cummins (Fresno University): cumminme@fu.edu Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of PA): dickinme@iup.edu Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University): kissinfk@lvu.edu Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating): beeranbj@myplace.com Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University): aspicker@pu.edu Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University): ibballin@bsu.edu Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical Co):btkisser@bendover.com Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us): ihadcock@tru.com So before your firm gives you an email address, check first!
Here's a list of summer camps you may NOT want to send your kids to: Tommy Lee's - Camp Kickachick Monica Lewinsky's - Camp Suckaweewee President Clinton's - Camp Getahoochie Ellen DeGeneres's - Camp Lickacoochie Kenneth Star's - Camp Catchacrook O.J. Simpson's - Camp Killachick Lorena Bobbit's - Camp Cutaweewee Tonya Harding's - Camp Clubaknee Susan Smith's - Camp Blameabrotha Pamela Lee's - Camp Lottatatas Michael Jackson's - Camp Wannabewhitey Louis Farakahn's - Camp Killawhitey
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma." The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."
Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvannia and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good. So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice on a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first - sucked dry and tossed into the canal below. Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal. The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang.......... "Drained wops keep fallin' on my head."
A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildos-here?" The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do." The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?" "Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny oft-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?" "Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big." "D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" "Yes ma'am,one of them does." "W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
The idiots are taking over the asylum. . .just read these!! I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. IDIOTS AT WORK... Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar. IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?" ADVICE FOR IDIOTS An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees:""Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes." IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. IDIOTS & COMPUTERS My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. AN IDIOT'S IDIOT Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect was telling a lie. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS 1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. 2. My tire was thumping.... I thought it was flat.... when I looked at the tire.... I noticed your cat... Sorry! 3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 4. You've announced that your gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. 6. Heard your wife left you.... How upset you must be.... But don't fret about it.... She moved in with me. 7. Your computer is dead.... it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95? 8. You totaled your car.... and can't remember why.... could it have been.... the case of Bud Dry?
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, Germany decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, unsatisfied with these findings conducted their own study. After 3 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp-only to discover a cucumber in his hand. Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years!?!" "Honey! Let me explain!" "Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!!" "Wait a minute! Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!!!"
Something to think about the next time you're having a bad day (this was an article in the CALIFORNIA EXAMINER, March 20, 1998): Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask. A post mortuum examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully-clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
HAVING A BAD DAY? THINK AGAIN! So you think you're having a bad day. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper: A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm. Now THAT is a bad day...
Grape Nehi, Please A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?". The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."
RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down. 3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. 4. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it. 5. Get rid of your cat. 6. Sunday=Sports. 7. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 8. You have enough clothes. 9. You have too many shoes. 10. Crying is blackmail 11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. 12. Mark Anniversaries on a calendar. 13. Yes, urinating standing up is more difficult than from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. 14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. 15. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. 17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is admissible in an argument. 18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 19. If something we said can interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. 20. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are? 21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done...not both. 23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. 24. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about being stared at. 25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says: "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says: "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says: "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says: "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name is Father O'Malley."
Chinese Proverbs Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feels cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. War not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Catholic Dictionary AMEN: The only part of the prayer everybody knows. BULLETIN: 1) parish information only read during the homily, 2) Catholic Air Conditioning, 3) Your receipt for attending mass. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregations' range. RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH: The Original "JAWS" story. JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own. KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. MANGER: 1) Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO, 2) The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been tough. PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches. PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of mass, led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, stand, and kneel. TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Why it's great to be a guy. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. Wedding plans take care of themselves. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. Chocolate is just another snack. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Foreplay is optional. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work... more pay. Wrinkles add character. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. Princess Di's death was just another obituary. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" One mood, all the time - horny.
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair, drinking beer, and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165, 000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his ball were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
John Cleese was on American TV recently, and he was asked for the differences between English and American people. In reply he said that there were three major differences: 1. We speak English and you don't. 2. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries. 3. When you meet the head of state in England, you have to go down only on one knee.
BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1998 1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead 12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 17. War Dims Hope for Peace 18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space 23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut feel into his ear.He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital.As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful!! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?!" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!!"
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions. The one guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE...ya hnow...Young, Urban Professional. The second guy says...:" I'm a DINK ...ya know...Double Income No Kids." They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied... "I'm a WIFE...ya know..Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."
Computers and Lightbulbs 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to; "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. And I thought I'd; heard it all!!!!! 4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies. DUH! 5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. 6 . Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. Amazing.....just amazing. 7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and; washing them individually. Did ya ever wonder how some people survive one day on; the planet?????? 8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. 9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find the printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer... but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer. 10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. 11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power; switch?" 12. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk... I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
Monica Lewinsky Book Titles: I Suck At My Job What Really Goes Down In The White House How I Blew It In Washington You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President Clear and Present Boner Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule Going Back for Gore Podium Girl Secret Services to the President Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton Deep Inside The Oval Office The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions She's Chief of MY Staff! Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes How To Beat Off the Government Going Down and Moving Up Members of the Presidential Cabinet Me and My Big Mouth How To Get Ahead in Business.. Monica's 20 Minute Tonsil Workout Book Tongues of Steel A Tale of Two Lips Blow Blow Blow Your Vote JAWS Moby Lick Welcome To MY Oval Office Mr. Cigar
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads and headlines in newspapers: 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART DOG 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. '83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15 FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 cents GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50 NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE..... BETTER BE REWARD. HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" GET A LITTLE JOHN:THE TRAVELING URINAL - HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER. HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100 TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD. EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING -$175. OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300. LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. BAR S SLICED BALOGNA - REGULAR OR TASTY - SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2 OPEN HOUSE, BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
'The Night Before Christmas' 'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat! The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook. It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Butthead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off you nuts. Look out for lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee! They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile. He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention. A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope ... you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?" They got it.
What do fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common? They don't really have to catch anything to be happy.
Things to Ponder If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do medical "practice?" When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the police arrest a mime, do they still tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Merger Results Here are the new product names resulting from mergers of some well known companies: Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: Poly-Warner-Cracker W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: Hale Mary Fuller Grace 3M & Goodyear: mmmGood John Deere & Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine 3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women: Knott NOW! Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won. In delivering the ruling, the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire", and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."
International Relations There are these beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and one Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The Bulgarian men took a look at the endless ocean and at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming. The two American men are contemplating suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body not being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions. The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.
The luck of the Irish A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed A Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house. "Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him. "Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. Tis a shame, I tell ya!" Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door. "Oh no, Darby look!" Said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died."
Letterman's Top 10 excuses about McDonald's IN CASE YOU MISSED THE ARTICLE, SOMEONE FOUND A CONDOM IN A McDONALD'S HAMBURGER LAST WEEK. HERE'S DAVID LETTERMAN'S EXPLANATION: TOP TEN LIST.... McDONALD'S EXCUSES FOR THE CONDOM IN THE BIG MAC 10. WE WERE TEST MARKETING THE NEW "McTROJAN" 9. CONDOM, CONDIMENT - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE 8. IT STILL TASTES BETTER THAN THE ARCH DELUXE 7. IT WAS EITHER THERE OR IN THE VANILLA SHAKE 6. TURNS OUT THE RUMORS ABOUT GRIMACE AND MAYOR McCHEESE ARE TRUE 5. WE'RE EXPERIMENTING WITH A NEW EVEN HAPPIER HAPPY MEAL 4. SO WHAT - A REGULAR BIG MAC IS 60% LATEX ANYWAY 3. EMPLOYEES TOO EMBARRASSED TO SAY "WOULD YOU LIKE CONDOMS WITH THAT?" 2. DRIVE-THRU SPEAKER BROKEN - "COKE WITH LOT OF ICE" SOUNDED LIKE "PROPHYLACTIC DEVICE" AND FINALLY... 1. WHEN YOU'RE SERVING BILLIONS AND BILLIONS, YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL.
ADS IN BILLS ..........AND OTHER REFLECTIONS Ads in Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them! I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you." Cripes! My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes!' 'For Cripe's sake! Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly'! I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck? Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it! We just wake up that way! And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you! We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve! Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the electric chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Feline Diet Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die. Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning. DAY TWO Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it. Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room. DAY THREE Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find. Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with. Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor. FINAL DAY Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow. Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon. Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
It's 1998 Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates are summoned by God, "I need three important persons to send my message out to all the people. Tomorrow I will destroy the earth." Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and tells them, "I have two really bad news items...1) God does exist. 2) Tomorrow, He will destroy the earth." Clinton calls an emergency meeting of Congress and tells them, "I have good news and bad news... 1) The good news is that God does exist. 2) The bad news is, tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth." Bill Gates happily reports to Microsoft,"I have two fantastic announcements...1) I am one of the three most important people on earth. 2)The Year 2000 problem is solved."
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer were in a train. The Russian took a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack, poured some into a glass, drank it, and said: "In Russia, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Moscow. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opened the window and threw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others were quite impressed. The Cuban took a pack of Havanas, removed one of them, lit it and began to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havana, nowhere in the world are as many cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away...." Saying that, he threw the pack of havanas through the window. One more time, everybody was quite impressed. Then the American just stood up, opened the window, and threw the Lawyer through it...
A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well-only double." The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said. "I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish." Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?" "Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."
TOP 16 SIGNS YOU HAVE HIRED A BAD LAWYER 16. Every couple of minutes, he yells "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" 15. Calls recess and asks "Got any ideas, genius?" 14. Answers all objections with "whatever." 13. Frequently gives juror number 4 the bird. 12. Places large "no refunds" sign on defense table. 11. Begins every sentence with "Well, as Ally McBeal once said..." 10. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla vs. Mothra. 9. Just before your trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?" 8. He thinks he'll win your case, "because there's a first time for everything." 7. He starts off his opening with, "anyone got a light?" 6. Whenever he says, "Your Honor" he makes those little quotation marks in the air. 5. Sign in front of law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:45." 4. Begins by telling jury, "You all look like you should be on Jerry Springer." 3. Giggles every time he hears the word "briefs." 2. His phone number: 1-900-SHYSTER. 1. He introduces you to his law partners, Jim Beam and Johnny Walker.
Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A. Stick his bill up his ass. Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A. A. Doberman. Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. Q: What do lawyers use for birth control? A: Their personalities Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp? A: One is a cold blooded bottom dwelling scavenger and the other is a fish. Q. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... A. It was SO cold ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A. Shoot the lawyer. Twice. What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad? Senator. Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side of the Lexus. The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you. "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?" Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to,"the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you." Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers? A: New Jersey got to pick first. Why don't lawyer jokes work? Because lawyers don't find them funny and everyone else doesn't think they are jokes.
Haircut A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.
The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "That's disgraceful! What is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your grace, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
Technology for Country Folk... 1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter. 2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. 3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove. 4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk. 5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood. 6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood. 7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood. 8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time. 9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time. 10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside. 11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season. 12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do. 13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV. 14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag. 15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields. 16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife. 17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps. 18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys. 19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes. 20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn. 21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof. 22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine 23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all" 24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks. 25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home; he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen bucks, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later, the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there,at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got into the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok", and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
The Mistress A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.
BullFrog A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were too expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet , but all of yours are so expensive," "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "50? For a frog?" asked the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." The woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said he'd try it out for sure that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks. "What are you doing UP at this hour?" asked the woman. The husband looks up at her and says, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!"
Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby was a man? Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me. A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing -- your sister. Far from being an issue, this can bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him be with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for him. Just look at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and sell it. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal. Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should -- he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal! Dear Mr. Cameron: As a courtesy, we are sending you a copy of this letter we recently wrote your 15 year old daughter in response to a query we received from her. Dear Ms. Cameron. Thank you for your letter. Yes, we are pleased to report, your father's old high school is still standing and our library was able to find yearbooks dating "all the way back" to his graduation. In fact, a few teachers even remember your father, which I will get to in a moment. In answer to your first question: In every picture extant of your father he is well shod, wearing what I believe were called "earth shoes" back then. Also, the weather here is moderate, with snow generally lasting from December until March--hardly the entire school year. Thus his descriptions of the conditions under which he "struggled" to school in the morning do, as you suggested, seem a bit exaggerated. In fact, our bus logs are (remarkably) still intact, revealing that not only was your father a registered passenger, but that his parents paid the extra ten dollars a month for door-to-door delivery. I am sure there were days when your father was very "sharply dressed," as you state he puts it, but in every single photograph I was able to uncover he is wearing exactly the same thing: bell bottom blue jeans with white strings trailing from the edges onto the floor, horizontal rents in the knees, and no belt buckle. His T-shirt displays a message easily communicated with hand gestures. His hair hangs past his shoulders and looks as if it was exposed to a lot of wind - perhaps he rode the school bus with the window open. As to academics and "concentrating on the basics," one must remember the times: the "basics" back then may very well have embraced some of your father's elective subjects, which included "Personal Citizenship," "Ecology," and one which apparently was called "Relevance." We have no record of what, if anything, was taught in these classes. What records we do have show that your father did indeed take Geometry, just as he claims. In fact, he took it his sophomore year, repeated it his junior year and repeated the course again his senior year - Geometry was required for graduation. Now as to Mr. Muggins, who had your father in a class called "Problems of Modern Relationships." Mr. Muggins does not wish to dispute the claim that your father always had his homework done early, he merely wants to point out that no matter when it was done, it was always handed in late. In fact, your father sticks out in Mr. Muggins's mind as having the most outrageous excuses for being unprepared, including having to evacuate his home because it was infected with the China Syndrome. Your father was not, sad to say, President of the Student Council. Perhaps he is confusing student government with a social group called "The Slackers," which Mr. Muggins recalls was a group of boys who sat in the hallway and made loud groaning noises whenever an attractive girl strode past. Your father was assistant vice president of the club, and, to our knowledge, is the only past member not currently serving time in a federal penitentiary. One thing IS completely verifiable: your father's name is, indeed, carved above the door to the school. Please advise that, now that we have noticed it, we will need to have it sanded out and refinished, at a cost of approximately three hundred dollars. We would appreciate it if your father would agree to pay for the damage without having to engage lawyers. The honor roll to which he apparently referred is not above the door, it hangs outside my office. I will leave unanswered the question as to whether his name is upon it. Thank you very much for your letter, which we found most amusing. Be sure to tell your father hello from Mr. Muggins.
National Science Foundation announces study results on corporate America 1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees, bowling. 2. Sport of choice for front line workers, football. 3. Sport of choice for supervisors, baseball. 4. Sport of choice for mid management, tennis. 5. Sport of choice for corp. officers, golf. CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure the smaller your balls.
Church Bulletin Bloopers 1. This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized in both ends. 2. Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk come early. 3. Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the pastor in his study. 4. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the altar. 5. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon. 6. A bean super will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow. 7. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer. 8. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 9. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 10. Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 11. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
Thoughts On Parenthood If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results. To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today. The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side. Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children. The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car. The right temperature in a home is maintained by warm hearts, not by hot heads. The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed. Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car. Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren. A child outgrows your lap, but never outgrows your heart. God gave you two ears and one mouth.... so you should listen twice as much as you talk. There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it. Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents. You know the only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any. Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm. "Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am." Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers. An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children. No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tell them to get lost. The people hardest to convince that it's time for retirement are children at bedtime. Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.
Cellar Full of Whiskey I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
HOW "THEY" DO IT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX Accountants do it with Double Entry Acupuncturists do it with a small prick Ambulance drivers come quicker Australians do it Down Under Bankers do it with interest Bartenders do it on the Rocks Chess players check their Mates Cops do it with cuffs DJs do it on request Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure Dentist do it orally Detectives do it under cover Don't do it with Bankers, most of them areTellers Engineers do it to specification Firemen do it with a big hose Frank Sinatra does it his way Garbagemen come twice a week Gardeners do it in the bushes Gas attendants Pump all day Housewives do it for an allowance Jockeys gallop hard and finish = fast Landlords do it every 1st of the month Mountain Climbers like to be on top Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate ! Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free Truckers do it in the road Travel Agents do it in lots of different places Waiters and waitresses do it for tips Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them ! Zoologists do it with animals
Dogs Personalities Afghan: Light bulb? What light bulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a burned out light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Daschund: I can't reach the stupid lamp! Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it. Rotweiller: Make me! Shi-tzu: Pul-leeze, dahling, I have servants for that kind of thing. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeasze let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Beagle : Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb? Siberian Husky: Light bulb?!? I ate the light bulb, and the lamp, and the coffee table it sat on, and the carpet under the coffee table and... Cat: You need light to see?
A humorous look at the realities of LOVE. BEFORE and AFTER you fall in LOVE: Before - You take my breath away. After - I feel like I'm suffocating. Before - Twice a night After - Twice a month Before - She loves the way I take control of a situation. After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac. Before - Ricky & Lucy After - Fred & Ethel Before - Saturday Night Live After - Monday Night Football Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars. After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done... Before - Don't Stop. After - Don't Start. Before - The Sound of Music After - The Sound of Silence Before - Is that all you are eating? After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey. Before - Wheel of Fortune After - Jeopardy Before - It's like living a dream. After - It's a nightmare. Before - $60/dozen After - $1.50/stem Before - Turbo-charged After - Needs a jump-start Before - We agree on everything! After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own? Before - Victoria's Secret After - Fruit of the Loom Before - Feathers & handcuffs After - Ball and chain Before - Idol After - Idle Before - He's lost without me. After - Why can't he ask for directions? Before - When together, time stands still. After - This relationship is going nowhere. Before - Croissant and cappuccino After - Bagels and instant coffee Before - Oysters After - Fish sticks Before - I can hardly believe we found each other. After - How the heck did I end up with someone like you? Before - Romeo and Juliet After - Bill and Hillary
Wrong Email Addresses It is important to get email addresses correct: Case in point......... A man who left the snow filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. He was unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address. He did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preachers wife, who's husband had passed away the day before. When the grieving widow checked her mail, she took one look at the monitor, let a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: "Dearest wife, just got here and all checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow! P.S. Sure is hot down here!"
This is a genuine e-mail from the main receptionist from Sun Microsystems at Corporate, and went out to all corporate employees. To: All Corporate Employees Subject: Copier! Date: Thursday, July 24, 1997 12:48PM PLEASE PLEASE please please please-I am begging -keep any and all paper clips away from the copier! We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier. PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler, which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner. Thanks for your help.
If Men Truly Ran the World ... 1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. 2. Birth control would come in ale or lager. 3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. 4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. 5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. 6. Garbage would take itself out. 7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. 8. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. 9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps". 10. Tanks would be far easier to rent. 11. Two words "Ally McNaked". 12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you respond with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off". 13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. 14. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. 15. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. 16. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. 17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. 18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!". 19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. 20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you". 21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. 22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. 23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. 24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. 25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for 2 weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of 2 weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" replied the Pastor. The Pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the 2 weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" replied the Pastor. The Pastor went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the 2 weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks." the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the Pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church." stated the Pastor. "We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim. Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they'd left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes. After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
"Truck Driver" A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, "The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license", he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up, jumps out of the car and arrests the truck driver. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
Melbourne, Fl. one of the radio stations paid money ($100-$500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $300..... I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
Actual Notes Excusing Kids From Class These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston... My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea)(direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s] Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat,her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
This isn't really a joke, but it was pretty funny. I am glad I don't have any of these! When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds. Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night. "So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?" As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room. Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too-there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-ink washes off-and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative. One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged. Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
There were two brothers who were national yodeling champions. One day their car broke down out in the middle of nowhere and they had to put up at a farmhouse. As fate would have it there was a beautiful farmer's daughter at the house. The two brothers had a way of communicating over several miles by yodeling to each other. One particular yodel (ay-la-de-o-la-te-tu) signaled trouble, and meant for the other one to run. Anyway, the farmer warned the two brothers not to mess with his daughter. The next morning the farmer was up before dawn, and caught his daughter in the bed with one of the brothers. He grabbed his gun and shouted that he would start counting, and if the guy wasn't out of his sight by the count of 5 he would shoot him. Well, the fellow high-tailed it out of there and was just jumping over the fence when the farmer hit 3. He yodeled the tune to warn his brother of impending doom, when the farmer suddenly shot him. The other brother came running out of his room and said, "What happened?" The farmer said, "I caught your brother sleeping with my daughter and, although I gave him a fair chance, before he was out of sight he yelled, "I laid the old lady, too," so I shot him.
There was this boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk pulling a wagon and dragging a flattened frog on a string behind it, when he comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute. He knocked on the door, and the madam came to answer it, saw him and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted what she was selling inside, had the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving until he got it. She thought she would have some fun with him, so she told him to come in. Once he got in, she told him to pick one of the girls he liked; he asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no. But he said he'd heard that all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted, and that he had the money to pay for it. The madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back down still dragging the frog. He paid the madam, and picked up his wagon and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others. He said "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I'm going to screw the baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and give her the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch it. When Dad gets home, he and Mom will go to bed, they'll make love, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie with Mom, and he'll catch it, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch that ran over my FROG!
The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 means that all company cars will now be of German origin. To this end the company has produced the following list of GERMAN MOTORING PHRASES: 1. Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken = Indicators 2. Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen = Bonnet 3. Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust 4. Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken = Clutch 5. Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken = Puncture 6. Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner driver 7. Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin = Estate car 8. Der Flippenflappenschitspreader = Windscreen wipers 9. Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seat belt 10. Das Buch fur Aresewipen = Highway code 11. Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights 12. Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist 13. Der Fukkengratentrucken = Lorry 14. Der Bananwaltzen = Skid 15. Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near accident
SPORTS QUOTES Who says athletes aren't as intelligent as rocket scientists? 1992 Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." 1987 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." 1982 Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." 1996 Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." 1981 Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." 1976 Alex Hawkins, recalling his playing days against Dick Butkus: "Whenever they gave him the game ball, he ate it." 1966 Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" 1981 Mike McCormack , coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." 1966 Red Auerbach, the Boston Celtics' general manager, asked if he had any criticism of Bill Russell's coaching: "He has the players too happy." 1971 Mike Lucci, Detroit Lion linebacker, on his three key interceptions against the Chicago Bears: "Yeah, they gave me the game ball. If they hadn't given it to me, I would have taken it anyway." 1991 Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." 1986 Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." 1991 Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." 1976 Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining his contractual obligations: "They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free." 1996 Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." 1991 Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not going to any more bowl games.'" 1986 LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets." 1981 Dorothy Shula, on the career dedication of her husband, the Miami Dolphins' coach: "I'm fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a way to preserve me until the season was over and he had time for a nice funeral." 1976 Mike Newlin, Houston Rocket guard, after a game his team lost to the New York Nets: "We were the quintessence of athletic atrocity." 1971 Tom Workman, former NBA-ABA basketball player: "They tell you to join the NBA and see all the big cities: New York with all the lights, San Francisco with its night life, San Diego's sunshine. They also say join the ABA and see the U.S.A. Unfortunately, I found this included Steubenville, Ohio; Amarillo, Texas; Elko, Nevada; Cedar City, Utah; and Biloxi, Mississippi." 1966 Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn't use a lonely end: "We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown." 1976 Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: "It wasn't as easy as you think. It's hard to stay awake that long." 1991 Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" 1986 Jeff Kemp, 49ers quarterback, when asked about his rapport with wide receiver Jerry Rice: "Rapport? You mean like, 'You run as fast as you can, and I'll throw it as far as I can?'" 1966 Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked, during a question-and-answer session with a group of fans, how he pronounced his name: "Tom." 1991 Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." 1976 Abe Lemons, University of Texas basketball coach, when asked if he felt his team should be ranked in the Top Twenty this season: "You mean in the state?"
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and GIVES you money, was a crime committed?] Florida: [Uh, pardon our English] A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F--K UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up!" Arkansas: This guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the purse snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the thief. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer... that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. Ann Arbor : The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. Newark: A woman reported her car stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
Good, Bad, Worse Good: You and your spouse agree, no more kids. Bad: The birth control pills are missing. Worse: Your daughter borrowed them. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Worse: You're in them. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Worse: He looks better than you. Good: Your son's finally maturing. Bad: He involved with the woman next door. Worse: So are you. Good: You teach your daughter about the birds and the bees. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Worse: With corrections. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer. Good: The Postman's early. Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK-47. Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
BEWARE of the following computer VIRUSES : Ellen Degeneres Virus1 Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC. Ellen Degeneres Virus2 Disks can no longer be inserted. Disney Virus Everything in the computer goes Goofy. Mike Tyson Virus~ Quits after two bytes. Woody Allen Virus~ Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. Spice Girl Virus~ Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop. Dr. Kevorkian Virus~ Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them. Oprah Winfrey Virus~ Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,and then slowly expands to 300MB. AT&T Virus~ Every 3 minutes it tells you what a great service you are getting. MCI Virus~ Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus. Viagra Virus~ Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive. Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. Lewinsky Virus~ Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did. Ronald Regan Virus~ Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. Titanic Virus (A Strain Of The Lewinsky Virus)~ Your whole computer goes down. Prozac Virus~ Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Joey Buttafuoco Virus~ Only attacks minor files. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus~ Terminates some ze files, leaves, but it will be baaack. Lorena Bobbitt Virus~ Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows.
SIGNS THAT YOU HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90'S: You try to enter your password on the microwave. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted." You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, "What's for dinner?" Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. You get most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
A Man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00". "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" The Dad asked surprised. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
One night, Tom drank 6 beers. When he finished the 6th, the doorbell rang. Tom answered it to find a 6-foot cockroach.. The cockroach threw Tom across the room and left.. The next night, after his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. It was the 6-foot cockroach again. It punched Tom in the stomach and walked away. The next night Tom had one beer. The doorbell rang and Tom slowly opened the door and saw the giant roach. It kneed him in the groin, and elbowed him in the back of the head. As Tom doubled over in pain, it left.. The following night, Tom, thinking it might be the beer, didn't drink any. But the 6-foot roach came back again. This time he just plain beat the living tar out of Tom and walked away.. The next day, Tom went to the doctor. "What can I do, Doc?", he asked. The doctor replied, "There's nothing you can do. It's just a nasty bug that's going around."
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "Fag."
Life in the 1500's: Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o. Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually loose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water". Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived on the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs," There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor". The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold". They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400 years. Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trencher were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth." Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust". Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake". England is old and small and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the Longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I havesomething to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"
Once again - it's time for the Darwin awards! This gene pool definitely needs a little chlorine. THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon the remains of those individuals, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, have done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Some of these have been attributed to wwww.darwinawards.com. 1997 DARWIN NOMINEES: Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove abees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of Suffocation enroute to the hospital. Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired. Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk." 1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (I.E. Non-fatalities) Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified teenage males were using a home video camera to film an action/adventure "movie" one of the boys had written. In a scene that called for each character to be ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared the "stunt" youth by dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to extinguish, left the young man with third degree burns on his left arm, torso, and both legs. It was all captured on film. In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in a container which he handed to his wife. She opened the container and, startled to see the snake, dropped it. The excited and poisonous snake immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on the shin. Mr Cruwe survived the wound and recovered after a short visit to the local emergency room. In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr.Michaels' deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt." Modus Operandi Misfires 1998 Darwin Awards Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin Randy Nestor, 28, was a considerate car thief. When the stolen cars became hot, he didn't just abandon them, he torched them. Setting the cars on fire, he reasoned, helped the owners collect insurance on their vehicles. This criminal habit became his downfall. After a 10-year career of theft, Randy burned to death in Pittsburgh, PA in a van which he had set fire to from the inside. He hadn't realized that the door handle on the driver's side was broken. Friends tried to release him, but the door was locked. His burned body was found inside the van on Sunday, 1 March 1998.
Wife Tossing in Buenos Aires 1998 Darwin Awards Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin Did he win the argument? It happened in February 1998 in a working-class Boedo neighborhood in Buenos Aires. During a heated marital dispute, a 25-year-old man picked up his 20-year-old wife and threw her off their eighth-floor apartment balcony. To his dismay, she became tangled in the power lines below. He immediately leapt from the balcony and fell towards his wife. We can only speculate as to his reasons. Was he angrily trying to finish the job, or was he remorsefully hoping to rescue her? He did not accomplish either goal. He missed the power lines completely, and plunged to his death. The woman managed to swing over to a nearby balcony and was saved. Submitted by Aaron, Jim Bloemker, Michael Campbell, Joseph Good, Shelly Keller, Ray McNairy, Boris Ottlewski, Jim McNeese, J Stacy.
Guy Gulps Goldfish 1998 Darwin Awards Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin Hungry or just stupid? January 29, 1998, was a fateful day for Michael Gentner. He was shooting the breeze with a group of men, watching a friend clean his fish tank. Alcoholic beverages may have been present. The friend complained that one fish in particular had become a menace. It had outgrown the tank and was eating other specimens. Michael volunteered to assist. He seized the 5-inch fish and attempted to swallow it. Unfortunately, it stuck in his throat. As Michael gasped futilely for breath, turned blue, and sank to his knees, his three friends realized that something was amiss. They contacted 911 and informed the dispatcher that Gentner had eaten some fish, and was having trouble breathing. Paramedics were quickly dispatched. They arrived to find the fish tail still protruding from the victim's mouth. Despite their best efforts, the 23-year-old could not be resuscitated. The killer fish had claimed one last victim. Although the friends did not attempt the Heimlich maneuver or administer CPR, Akron, Ohio police said it was unlikely that murder charges would be filed. "If I dare you to jump off a bridge and you do it, you're stupid," police Maj. Mike Matulavich said. Apparently Michael Gentner was not a victim of homicide, he was just a Darwin Awards contender. Submitted by Jerry Bradley, John Colotta, Rob Gabbard, Kevin W. Hecteman, Yusuf Johnson, Pierre Joseph, Masui, Alan Ochab, Marilyn Ray, Jane Roy, David Sobecki, Sue Sperry, Eileen Wilde.
Igniting Fireworks the Easy Way 1998 Darwin Awards Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin There are safe methods of lighting fireworks. There are dangerous methods of lighting fireworks. Two residents of villages in East Java were killed when they chose the latter method of ignition. Firecrackers are illegal in Indonesia. However, they can be purchased from the black market during celebrations such as Idul Fitri. And boys will be boys, the world over. In January, Isomudin, a 28-year-old resident of Kenongo, and Matkijo, a 20-year-old from Telasih, obtained a large quantity of firecrackers and connected their detonation fuses to a motorcycle battery. The two perpetrators proceeded to start the engine. The resulting explosion could be heard from a distance of two kilometers. Onlookers attempted to rescue Isomudin and Matkijo, but their burns were too severe. Both men died at the scene. Eight onlookers were treated at a local hospital for their injuries. Submitted by Jeremy Fletcher.
Basketball Player Takes a Dunking 1998 Darwin Awards Nominee A Melbourne, Australia man was playing basketball with his brother and 16-year-old cousin, using a hoop affixed to his garage. After slam-dunking the ball, he hung on the rim for a triumphant moment. The bricks gave way and the wall collapsed on the 20-year-old man, fatally crushing him. His name was withheld by authorities, at the request of his family. Melbourne, Australia is not the safest place to play basketball. Ryan Maloney, 19, died in 1996 in a public basketball court when the ring collapsed on him after a dunk. The coroner recommended that dunking basketballs be banned. No heed was taken of his words. The tradition is still practiced throughout the world. Never Too Old for a Darwin Award 1998 Darwin Awards Nominee Bob Herschler, 77, of Olympia, WA, died from burns suffered last week after he placed a smoldering pipe in his shirt pocket. The pipe ignited a book of matches and soon Bob's clothing was ablaze. Family members quickly extinguished the fire, but not before he suffered third-degree burns to his chest and abdomen. The Thurston County resident died of pneumonia brought on by his burns at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle. Adapted from the Seattle Times, Tuesday, April 28, 1998 In a related story, the life of Reiva Nix, a 67-year-old grandmother living in Egdewood, TX, was claimed in a tragic accident on March 31. She was cleaning her tennis shoes with gasoline when a nearby candle ignited the shoes which Reiva was still wearing. Alone at the time of the accident, she ran next door for help, and her neighbor extinguished the fire with a water hose. She died from burn wounds at 2AM at the Parkland Hospital in Dallas. Investigators noted that her flammable 65% polyester clothing contributed to the blaze. Chief Corbett said several people have told him they clean their shoes with gasoline. He cautioned others to be careful when using gasoline in any way. Adapted from the Van Zandt News, Wills Point, Texas 75169
Man Slices Off His Penis 1997 Darwin Awards Winner Confirmed True by Darwin Alan Hall, 48, was found collapsed on the front lawn of his brother's Fairfield home on December 5, 8 hours after his penis had been cut off at the base. Paramedics rushed Hall to North Bay Medical Center, where surgeons were unsuccessful in their attempts to reattach his severed organ. Hall blamed the maiming on a woman named Brenda, whom he met at a local gas station the previous night. He brought Brenda to his trailer, parked in the driveway of his brother's Fairfield home, and had sex. Around 3AM, the woman mentioned revenge and cut off his penis with a razor-sharp hobby knife, then fled the trailer on foot. Details of the attack were sketchy, and police were unsure why Hall could not defend himself. Fairfield police Lieutenant William Gresham said Hall may have been using drugs. A heated manhunt for Brenda ensued. She was described as a 42-year-old white female, 5' 7" and 135 pounds, dressed in a white blouse, navy blue jacket and blue slacks, and possibly driving a brown Ford F350 pickup truck. Meanwhile, after being discharged from the hospital on Monday, Hall drove off in a pickup hitched to his trailer and disappeared. Detectives were eager to interview him again, but were unable to locate him due to his transient lifestyle. More intriguing details began to emerge. Hall was arrested during the 1970's for drug possession and drunk driving. In 1982 he was arrested for taking his young daughter out of state. Psychological tests suggested that he suffered permanent mental trauma while serving with the U.S. Navy in Vietnam, causing blackouts and alcoholism. His ex-wife described him as a packrat who enjoyed taking trips in his mobile trailer home. In 1983 Hall was convicted of voluntary manslaughter of a 23-year-old Suisun City woman found strangled in a car parked at a local Denny's restaurant on 17 February. Hall confessed to the murder, saying that she taunted him about his inability to achieve an erection when he tried to have sex with her. His statement was ruled inadmissible because of improper police interrogation techniques, and prosecutors agreed to let Hall plead guilty to voluntary manslaughter. He served half of a six-year prison term. Police speculated that the woman who cut off his penis may have been carrying out a 14-year-old vendetta for the slaying of her friend. But the truth was even stranger. When Hall was finally located and interviewed on Thursday, he admitted that he cut off his own penis. A voice stress analyzer indicated that he was telling the truth. "At this point, there is no evidence that a crime occurred," police Lieutenant William Gresham said in a press release. "The case is being reclassified as an injured person report." Hall may face misdemeanor charges for filing a false police report. Ironically, Alan Hall works as a pipe-fitter, according to court records.
"I'm A Man. I Can Handle It." 1997 Darwin Awards Runner Up Confirmed True by Darwin Wayne Roth, 38, of Pittston, PA, was bitten by a cobra belonging to his friend, Roger Croteau, after playfully reaching into the tank and picking up the snake. Wayne subsequently refused to go to a hospital, telling Roger, "I'm a man, I can handle it." Falser words have seldom been spoken. Instead of a hospital, Wayne reported to a bar. He had three drinks, and enjoyed bragging that he had just been bitten by a cobra. Cobra venom is a slow-acting central nervous system toxin. He died within a few hours, in Jenkins Township, Pennsylvania. (November 1997)
Privacy on the Beach 1997 Darwin Awards Runner Up Confirmed True by Darwin He just wanted some privacy. Daniel Jones suffocated when a sandy 8-foot hole caved in as he relaxed inside it on a beach chair. Observers on the Outer Banks beach in Buxton, NC said he might have dug the hole for privacy and for protection from the wind. Beach-goers used their hands and plastic toy shovels in an unsuccessful attempt to claw their way to Jones. "You wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said. Rescue workers with heavy equipment took nearly hour to free him from 5 feet of sand, while 200 people looked on. The 21-year-old resident of Woodbridge, VA was pronounced dead on December 4, 1997.
Priapism Takes Man's Penis 1997 Darwin Awards Runner Up Confirmed True by Darwin Doctors warn of a dangerous new method of cocaine abuse: injecting the drug directly into the urinary tract. Physicians from New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center reported the case of a 34-year-old man who suffered severe bleeding under the skin after pumping cocaine into his urethra. It led to complications that destroyed his penis, nine fingers, and parts of his legs. "They fill an eye dropper or a syringe with a cocaine solution and inject it into the penis," said Dr. Samuel Perry, a professor of clinical psychiatry. The man had injected cocaine before intercourse in an effort to enhance sexual performance. He was admitted to the hospital because his penis had remained erect for three days, resulting in a painful inability to urinate. The medical term for a prolonged erection is "priapism." On his third day in the hospital, the man's erection suddenly subsided. Over the next 12 hours, blood leaked into the tissues of his feet, hands, genitals, back and chest. Blood coagulation caused tissues to die over large areas of the patient's body, and he was transferred to the burn unit of New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center. Doctors there were forced to amputate the man's legs above the knee and all but one of his fingers to stop the spread of gangrene. The patient's penis fell off by itself. The man is currently recovering in a rehabilitation facility. Men who inject cocaine into the penis report that it gives them a sexual high. Drug abuse treatment experts have previously reported external use of cocaine as a sexual stimulant. Cocaine powder is rubbed onto the surface of the genital organs by both men and women in an effort to halt premature ejacuation or improve sexual sensations. "We report this case to alert clinicians to this new method of cocaine abuse and to describe its rare and previously unreported complications," the doctors concluded. "Intraurethral Cocaine Administration" JC Mahler, S Perry, B Sutton, JAMA 1988 Jun 3;259(21):3126
Fatal Flasher 1997 Darwin Awards Runner Up A Dallas man who was exposing himself to passing traffic died Friday night. Police were alerted by a motorist who had spotted Richard Hollis, 47, standing naked on a railroad trestle. When officers arrived, Hollis was standing under the trestle, still naked. As officers approached, he grabbed his clothes and ran back onto the railroad trestle. He leapt from the trestle, apparently aiming for a concrete support underneath, but missed and fell 35 feet to the ground. He died at Parkland hospital an hour later. The Dallas Morning News, December 21, 1997
Bungee Jumper 1997 Darwin Awards Runner Up Eric A. Barcia, a 22-year-old Reston Virginia resident, was found dead yesterday after he used bungee cords to jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. The fast food worker taped a number of bungee cords together and strapped one end around his foot. Barcia had the foresight to anchor the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, and he even remembered to measure the length of the bungee cords to make sure that they were a few feet short of the 70 foot drop. He proceeded to fall headfirst from the trestle, and hit the pavement 70 feet below several seconds later. Fairfax County police said "The stretched length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Perhaps the deceased fast food worker should have stuck to the line, "Do you want fries with that?" Adapted from the Washington Post - 13 July 97
Scrap Metal Thieves 1997 Darwin Awards Runner Up Two people were disassembling an electric tower with wrenches when it toppled Tuesday afternoon. The teens apparently wanted to sell its aluminum supports for scrap. One of the teens was crushed by the tower and the other dug himself out from under the 160' 10,000 pound tower. AP - 31 July 1997
Poor Driving Runs in the Family 1997 Darwin Awards Runner Up A Wichita, Kansas woman who allowed her 10-year-old son to back the family car down the driveway stumbled while directing the boy and was fatally run down when he stepped on the gas pedal instead of the brake. At about 5:30PM the woman's son and a friend wanted to play basketball in the driveway, but the car was in the way. The mother stood behind the car helping guide the maneuver. She stumbled after walking backwards into a bush. The 28-year-old accident victim died at the scene Friday. Her name was withheld by authorities. The boy was physically unhurt. Adapted from Athens Banner Herald - 23 May 1997
He Ignored his Mother for the Last Time 1997 Darwin Awards Runner Up A boy fell 200 ft to his death moments after his sister told him to stop fooling around near a cliff edge, an inquest was told yesterday. Jamie Underdown, 10, fell from Seaford Head, East Sussex, while out walking a dog with his sister Jemma, 12, and two friends. It was the first time he had been allowed to go to the cliff without an adult and he had been warned to be careful by his mother, the inquest at Eastbourne was told. Despite the warning, Jamie was playing close to the edge, pretending to fall and shouting for help. Jemma said in a statement: "I kept telling him if he played too close to the edge he would fall over and die. He kept calling me 'Bossy Boots'. He didn't listen." Jasmine Rowson, eight, who was also on the cliff walk, said: "Jamie slipped and he was trying to get back up. He was hanging on to the edge. I touched his hand and went to get Vicky and Jemma but they did not believe me. I went back and he slipped and fell." Jamie's mother Sandra is now campaigning for the local council to fence off the cliffs where he died. She told the inquest: "I was told I was an over-protective parent so I started to let him do things. The last words I said to him were: All right, do not be long. Be careful." The coroner, David Wadman, said, "One has to take a practical viewpoint. It would be a substantial operation to fence the entire cliff in East Sussex. "This was a lively young lad enjoying himself and showing off perhaps. He was fooling around and at one stage he was even tragically aping the disaster that was to occur a few moments later." Michael Fleet, Electronic Telegraph, 22 April 1997
Clumsy Canadian Burglar 1997 Darwin Awards Runner Up A suspected burglar fell to his death from the 12th story balcony early yesterday after being surprised by the Calgary apartment's occupants. Residents of the suite are shaken from the incident and baffled as to how the alleged intruder managed to access the balcony on the top floor of the Royal View Apartments, 1320 16 Ave. SW. Dean Grabo, 23, was home with his wife about 12:30 a.m. when he heard a noise on his balcony. "We were surprised, but not nearly surprised as he was," said Grabo, whose yell startled the intruder, who fell while scrambling to flee. The body of a man of about 30 years old was found on the ground floor patio directly below Grabo's balcony. He has not been identified and foul play is not suspected. 'We're a little confused how he got up there and a little shaken up," said Grabo. "It's not every day something like this happens and somebody perishes." Building resident manager Brian Lester was also puzzled by the incident. "I had to let police into the next apartment over and the door was locked, so it doesn't look like he broke in there," said Lester. "It's a weird situation - the police didn't say much." Police went to the 200-suite apartment in the Beltline area after several residents complained of hearing a loud noise. Unlike most cats this Cat Burglar lost all nine Lives and didn't land on his feet. The Calgary Sun - June 1997 - David Jala
Tunnels of Doom 1997 Darwin Awards Runner Up Four teenage boys spent months industriously digging tunnels in a river bank, planning to use them as trenches in an imaginary war game. Three of them were killed at noon today when one of the tunnels caved in on them. One boy, Mohd Suhaimi Saad, 12, was rescued from the tunnel 15 minutes after the incident. Residents of Kampung Bendang Tok Teri took about an hour to pull out the bodies of the remaining three boys, Mohd Suhaimi Md Isa Haron, 18, Mahadir Ahmad, 17, and Nik Kamaruddin Razak, 12. The four buried teens, together with eight other friends from Kampung Bendang Tok Teri, had gone to the river bank to dig the tunnels, which measured 1.2 meters by three meters. The surviving child, Saad, said all four had used coconut shells to dig the tunnel over the past week. They had dug a hole big enough for four people, but as they continued to excavate, the sides of the tunnel suddenly caved in, burying all four. Saad was able to breathe, as he was only buried up to his chest. "I saw my friends being engulfed by the earth, but I coul not help them. I could not move," he said. Saad's father, said he was aware that his son had gone to the river with his friends. He said his son would go to dig his tunnel without fail nearly every day, "But I was taken aback when I heard that my son was trapped in a cave-in." The bodies were sent to the Kuala Nerang Hospital mortuary for post-mortems. Naka, Malaysia, 18 December 97 Adapted from the New Straits Times, distr. by WorldSources Online, Inc.
New Dating Technique 1997 Darwin Awards Runner Up A security guard intending to impress female friends took a deadly gamble, losing his game of Russian roulette at a La Paz fast-food restaurant. Police say Victor Alba, 21, died instantly Saturday when he put his .38-caliber revolver to his head and pulled the trigger at a suburban hamburger outlet. Alba was trying to "impress some female friends," according to the newspaper Hoy de La Paz. LA PAZ, 30 December 97 (AFP)
Macho Men? 1996 Darwin Awards Winner Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Witness Frenchman Pierre Pumpille, of Lyon, who recently shunted a stationary car two feet by headbutting it. "Women thought I was a god," he explained from his hospital bed. Deity or not, however, Pumpille is a veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen icicles, but then one man seized a chainsaw and cut off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and crying "Watch this then!" swung at his own head and chopped it off. "It's funny," said one companion, "Cos when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man." Reuters - London
Freak Accident in Arkansas 1996 Darwin Awards Runner Up Classified Urban Legend 17 October 1997 Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on state Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck's headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston (shot his intimate parts off) or we might have been dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how the accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught, and Incorrectly attributed to the Arkansas Democrat Gazette, 25 July 1996. The Gazette issued a decisive statement denouncing this story as a hoax on October 17, 1997.
Hungry Python Kills Owner 1996 Darwin Awards Runner Up A New York teenager was crushed to death by his pet python after he had failed to keep the snake properly fed, police reported. Grant Williams, 19, was found unconscious in a pool of blood, the life practically squeezed out of him by a 12ft Burmese python named Damien, which was still wrapped over his body. The snake had been given nothing more than a single dead chicken in the past week and may have been crazed by hunger. Mr Williams was found in the hallway. He may have been trying to escape the flat to summon help. Medical orderlies summoned the strength - of body and of mind - to lift the 45lb, 5in-thick python off Mr Williams and hurl it into an adjacent room, but the snake lover died in hospital. At the time of the attack, Mr Williams was preparing to feed Damien a live chicken. It is possible that the python, peckish, opted for the larger prey. When on the brink of a kill, the Burmese python (Molorus bivattatus) can move with deadly speed, and there are few creatures able to escape its grasp. Mr Williams may have suspected that his familiarity with Damien placed him above danger, but a hungry python does not quibble about such niceties. Captain Thomas Kelly, from the 46th precinct, said: "It looks accidental." Mr Williams and his brother kept a number of snakes, many uncaged, in their Bronx flat. The dead man's mother, Carmelita Williams, said that she had tried to persuade her son to abandon his hobby. "I begged him to get rid of the python," she said, weeping. "I even threatened to call the police." Damien was last night caged at an animal control centre, after being fed. Its fate is uncertain. Times of London, 11 October 1996 Skepticism from Pete Butler: I'm no snake expert, just a general information sponge, but I find it hard to believe that the snake was that hunger-crazed. Cold-blooded reptiles have a very low metabolism. Giving the critter one chicken a week sounds about right. The "pool of his own blood" and "life crushed out of him" lines are misleading. It's a common myth that constrictors kill their prey by crushing. Actually they suffocate their prey by constricting around the chest. I suspect the "pool of blood" was smaller than we're led to imagine. Still, letting a TWELVE FOOT BLOODY PYTHON roam free in your home definitely makes you a Darwin candidtate.
Cigarette Lighter Triggers Fatal Explosion 1996 Darwin Awards Runner Up A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. The Indianapolis Star, 4 December 1996
Set the Parking Brake, Stupid! Darwin Awards Runner Up Remember the tragic death of two small boys who drowned when the car they were in rolled down a boat ramp into a lake? Their mother Susan Smith was convicted of their murder. The lake has become a shrine for visitors. A family visiting the lake drove up to the boat ramp but forgot to set the parking brake. The car rolled into the lake, drowning two adults and two children.
Girlfriend Abuse Backfires An unidentified man using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. San Jose Mercury News
This One is For the Birds 1996 Darwin Awards Runner Up Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony, " Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected." Reuters - Mississauga, Ontario
Not Just Another Lawyer Joke 1996 Darwin Awards Runner Up Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. UPI - Toronto
Playing with Cats 1996 Darwin Awards Runner Up A tiger killed one man and mauled another at the Calcutta zoo yesterday when they tried to put a marigold garland around its neck in a New Year's greeting. Prakesh Tiwari, the dead man, and Suresh Rai had been drinking before they bought the floral garlands and crossed the moat around the tiger's enclosure, authorities said. "I was shocked to see the two young men weaving about in front of a tiger with garlands in their hands, " said Rakesh Banerjee, who witnessed the attack that triggered panic and a near stampede in the zoo. The men, both in their 20's, were trying to put the garland on a 13-year old male Royal Bengal tiger named "Shiva" after the Hindu god of destruction. When Rai threw the garland around Shiva's neck, the tiger attacked him. His friend Tiwari intervened, kicking the tiger in the face. The tiger released Rai, and attacked and killed Tiwari. "I saw it all; the tiger turned and jumped on the other young man and put its head on the man's neck, and within moments, the man was apparently dead, his head dangling," Banerjee said. The two were reportedly devotees of the goddess Durga and had gone to "worship" the tiger. Immediately after the incident, an angry crowd went on a stone-pelting spree in which two children and a woman were injured. AP - 2 January 1996 - by Kunal Sen Gupta - Calcutta, India
Count your Chickens 1995 Darwin Awards Winner Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18 year old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said his sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help. But they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived. AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995] CAIRO, Egypt
Repairs on the Road James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Michigan, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." Kalamazoo Gazette, April 1, 1995
Jet Assisted Take-Off 1995 Darwin Awards Runner Up The Arizona Highway Patrol, when they came upon a pile of smoldering metal imbedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road, at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The folks in the lab finally figured out what it was, and what had happened. It seems that a former Air Force Sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO unit, (Jet Assisted Take Off unit, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra `push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert, and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the JATO! Best as they could determine, he was doing somewhere between 250 and 300 mph (350-420kph) when he came to that curve.... The brakes were completely burned away, apparently from trying to slow the car. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from the steering wheel. Note: this story is widely held to be apocryphal.
Electrifying Stunt 1995 Darwin Awards Runner Up Up here in Michigan, seems some poor fella thought it would be a good idea to "move" a downed wire from his car. Newspaper reports it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking away at him with a 2x4 to free their freshly fried former friend from the fatal flashing.
The Last Supper 1993 Darwin Awards Winner A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage. It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas. Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized. [Bloomberg News Service]
Deadly Reading Habits 1993 Darwin Awards Winner Runner Up A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana,Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading. News of the Weird, Copyright 1997 by Universal Press Syndicate 18 May 93, San Jose Mercury News
Midnight Phone Call 1992 Darwin Awards Winner Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. Hickory Daily Record - 21 December 1992
1982 Honorable Mention Larry Waters of Los Angeles is one of the few to contend for the Darwin the award and live to tell about his exploits. Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard. One day, Larry brightened up: he decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, measured more than four feet across. Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground. Satisfied that it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun--figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend--and went back to the floating lawn chair where he tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down. Things didn't quite work out as planned for Larry. When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn't level off at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold, and frightened, for more than 14 hours, when he found himself in the primary approach corridor of LAX. A Pan Am pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to blow. It carried Larry out to sea. Right on Larry's heels was the helicopter. Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with him. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades kept pushing him away whenever they neared. Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line, with which he was hauled back to shore--a difficult maneuver flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew. As soon as Larry was deposited on earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked him why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned, and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around." Note: Douglas Walker informs us that this story is from a book called "Stabbed with a Wedge of Cheese" published in the 80's. Thanks, D! Addendum: Ed Greany sends us the following details: I am a member of Crest REACT (a non-profit organization who monitored the C.B. Channel 9 for emergencies. I have the entire event recorded on cassette while Larry and Santiago REACT Unit 66 were in C.B. contact. He was not rescued by a helicopter as you inaccurately reported. He came down of his own actions and became entangled in power lines. Unfortunately, he also committed suicide and is not alive as you also report. He recorded a song called "Lawn Chair that Flew" c. 1982 ASCAP and Larry gave me a personal copy. I had him as a guest visitor / speaker at a later REACT Council meeting in Corona, CA. The C.B. recording is not copywrited and you may have a copy with a S.A.S.E. and $2 to cover duplication.
Ouch! Playing Chicken with a Train 1995 Darwin Awards Honorable Mention Bowling Green, Ohio student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.
The Right Tool for the Right Job 1995 Darwin Awards Honorable Mention In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.
Keep Your Sunny Side Up 1996 Darwin Awards Honorable Mention A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sun bed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burn victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan." Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life. Times of London
Quickie Oil Change 1996 Darwin Awards Honorable Mention 45 year old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
Can You Spare Some Change? 1996 Darwin Awards Honorable Mention Portsmouth, RI police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
Almost a Chainsaw Massacre 1996 Darwin Awards Honorable Mention Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
Outwitting a Thief 1996 Darwin Awards Honorable Mention The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
The Bricklayer 1996 Darwin Awards Urban Legend Not a Darwin Awards contender, since it is fiction, but too funny to exclude - submitted by Dave to the Yankee Clipper Contest Club and attributed to Gerald Hoffnung's The Bricklayer story from his Oxford Union Speech, by Owen Maresh, an alert reader. Accident Report This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response: "I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools." "You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel." "Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."
Poor Sense of Direction 1997 Darwin Awards Honorable Mention Vincent McKenzie is in custody for making a dreadfully wrong turn. This Bloomfield resident found himself trapped in the lobby of a prison on Thursday as he was fleeing authorities. McKenzie was leading police on a car chase from Suffield and Windsor Locks, when he abruptly pulled into the parking lot of the MacDougall Correctional Institution, a high-security state prison located in Suffield, Connecticut. McKenzie leapt from his car and sped into the front lobby, where he was trapped by automatic doors that closed and locked behind him. Police say McKenzie apparently though the building was a shopping mall. Some days nothing seems to go right. Adapted from a story in the Hartford Courant, 4 December 97
The Unfortunate Husband 1997 Darwin Awards Urban Legend A husband in Los Angeles was deathly afraid of heights. Nevertheless, one day he found it necessary to climb onto his roof to adjust the TV antenna. His fear impelled him to take precautions against falling from the roof. He tied a sturdy rope around himself, and affixed the other end to the bumper of his car. Unfortunately, he neglected to inform his wife of his activities. She had just finished making a shopping list, and she got into the car and began to drive to the store. Her husband was pulled from the roof and dragged down the street before a startled neighbor alerted the wife to the fact that she had some extra cargo. The man was rushed to the hospital, where he spent many days recovering from broken ribs and severe lacerations. The story does not end there. To make amends, the contrite wife planned a little surprise party for her husband on the day of his return from the hospital. She invited several mutual friends over to enjoy the homecoming, most of them smokers. Since the wife and husband smoked too, they had several lighters around the house, and the wife decided to fill them before the guests arrived. To be safe, she took them all into the bathroom and filled them over the toilet. Have you guessed yet? The husband needed to use the bathroom immediately afterward. He sat on the toilet, picked up a magazine, and threw his cigarette into the toilet. Kaboom!
The Official Drug Test 1997 Darwin Awards Honorable Mention A woman in Canada called the police with a complaint that she had been burnt in a drug deal. She claimed that a man had sold her a rock of crack cocaine, but when she brought it home, it "looked like baking powder." The police dispatched a narcotics agent to her house, who tested the rock and verified that, despite its appearance, it was indeed cocaine. The woman was promptly arrested for drug possession. The RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) are encouraging anyone who thinks they may have been fooled into buying fake drugs to come forward.
Scuba Divers and Forest Fires Darwin Awards Urban Legend So you think you're having a bad day? In California, wildfires are part of the natural cycle of the forest. They are caused by lightning, by arson, by acts of God. Brave firefighters earn their living by squelching these ravenous blazes. Recently, Fire Marshals found a corpse in a burnt section of forest while they were assessing damage done by a recent forest fire. The deceased male had been dressed in a now-melted wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers and face mask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification of a man who had been reported missing a week before. The next of kin were notified. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was discovered that, on the day of the fire, the person was seen entering the ocean on a diving trip, 20 kilometers away from the location of the forest fire. The firefighters, seeking to control the spread of the blaze as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters to saturate the area. The helicopters towed large buckets, which were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it! One minute our diver was marveling at the fishy species of the Pacific, and in the next breath, he found himself in a fire bucket 300 meters in the air. As a consolation to bereaved relatives, investigators determined that the man extinguished roughly 1.78 square meters of the fire, approximately the area covered by a splattered human body.
Misadventure at the Metallica Concert Darwin Awards Urban Legend Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at a Friday Metallica concert. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene. According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later. They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife. The "soft" bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain. Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries. "So that's how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be" said Commissioner Appleton. Urban Legend Status conferred 31 Dec 97 Declared an urban legend by www.DarwinAwards.com on the following grounds: Intensive searching of online Washington State newspapers failed to produce validation. The statement attributed to the Commissioner is obviously bogus, as police do not make light of deadly shenanigans and never use the word ass to describe the rectum. Finally, the editor of another Darwin Awards page actually contacted the Washington State sheriffs office, who disclaimed knowledge of this story.
Hedonist Air Pumpers Darwin Awards Urban Legend "The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of 'Pumping'," a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood." He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room. "Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God." Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he sneaked in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly, but passersby are still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started clapping. "We still haven't located all of him.", say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something." "Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you." Japan Times - 16 April 1997 Urban Legend Status conferred 31 Dec 97 Declared an urban legend by www.DarwinAwards.com on the following grounds: story reported on the internet with multiple dates of occurrence. Furthermore, it is impossible for methane in a person's rectum to explode when exposed to air. In the words of Thaddaeus A. Vick, "Ruptured colon I would believe." A reader of another Darwin Awards page recalls reading the story in the Funny Old World column of England's satirical Private Eye Magazine. Finally, a reader with a theological bent points out that a hospital spokesman in Thailand is unlikely to make references to God and Satan, which are not relevant to the largely non-theistic Buddhist population.
"I Can Fly!" A would-be illegal immigrant cleverly managed to conceal himself in the undercarriage of a 747 in India just prior to take-off, with the intention of making the trip from India to the UK. Little did he realize that temperatures at high altitudes, in combination with the wind chill factor, can become very icy. If that doesn't do you in, then the lack of oxygen will. The man was found dead of exposure at London Heathrow Airport. Later in the same year, two more young men attempted the journey by the same means. This time one died but one, presumably more warmly dressed, survived. Unfortunately for him, as soon as he recovered, he was put on a plane back to India, inside the cabin this time.
Cluck Cluck! Benny Patterson II, 27, and Lynn Morse, 41, enjoyed playing "chicken" on the highway. Upon sighting one another, it was their habit to aim their vehicles at each other and see who would swerve away first. They recently spotted each other on a farm road north of Waco, Texas. As usual, they accelerated directly towards one another and met, head-on, at 60 MPH. Patterson, who was wearing a seatbelt in his airbag-equipped pickup, survived the wreck. Morse, not wearing his seatbelt, was killed. Patterson spent the next day trying to explain the joke to Morse's two children, aged 7 and 9. Houston Chronicle
Show Your Team Spirit! Down here in Florida we have some rabid Marlins fans. A few days before the Marlins game, two supporters decided to show their loyalty by constructing a paper banner. Wanting to display their efforts prominently, they chose the Metro Rail overpass at a point where it crossed a major thoroughfare. The banner would proclaim the superiority, not to mention the high testosterone content, of the city. Unfortunately, their plans were not altogether complete. Neither had the foresight to procure a Metro Rail schedule. As they hung the banner, the Metro thundered toward them. Both were struck by the automated train. One was killed, the other left wounded to tell the tale. The banner was unharmed.
If Only There Was A Bike Lane. A bicyclist crossing an airport runway in Sorocaba, Sao Paulo, Brazil, was killed when he was hit by a landing airplane. Marcelo Dias dos Santos, 25, could not hear the plane coming because he was listening to his Walkman on headphones, investigators said. (Reuters)
A prisoner in the new Allegheny County Jail in Pittsburgh PA fell to his death while attempting escape from a window on the top floor of the jail. One night during the guard shift change, the prisoner broke out a supposedly shatter-proof cell window and unfurled a 100 foot rope constructed from bedsheets. He began to descend the rope, not realizing that glass is sharp. By the time he had descended several feet, the shattered window pane had sliced through the cloth, plunging him to his demise. As an interesting footnote, the bottom of the rope was still 80 feet short of the street below.
Theft and the Pawn Shop Two teenage boys, from Elkins W.V, decided to have an adventure. First, they robbed a pawn shop, taking several guns. This particular pawn shop just happened to be right in front of the State Police Station, but the crime was not immediately detected. Next, the boys stole a truck. Later, as they argued over who stole the truck, the oldest deciced he would scare the youngest by pointing one of the guns at him and pulling the trigger. He assumed incorrectly that the gun was unloaded. One shot to the head killed the 15 year old boy. Later, the stolen truck was found in the bottom of a river, all the guns in the cab.
NOMINEE [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. NOMINEE [AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death. NOMINEE [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him. NOMINEE [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off" and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off." NOMINEE [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a birdfeeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY ... Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats. DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT... A lawyer [ ! ] and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered [well, you would, wouldn't you?]. The other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the Ministry. CATCH! A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized. THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU . . . Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ..more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time. GIMME A LIGHT! Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition - lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears they decided to "moon" the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of the plane and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. ***************************************** AP) LOS ANGELES - Police officials would not release the name of a Pacoima man who was found dead yesterday after responding to complaints from neighbors that a bad smell was coming from his apartment. Upon entering the apartment, officers were surprised to see that every square inch of the apartment, including appliances and even the inside of the toilet, were covered with pornographic images cut from magazines. "The visual effect was very unsettling," said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police. "Because everything looked the same, you could not tell where one wall ended and a doorway began." The surprises did not end there, however. Police described the man as having "concocted a wire frame around his head" upon which he had taped various pornographic images, apparently so he could freely move about his apartment without ever losing his close-up view of nude bodies. Small slits had been cut into the paper so he could find his way, but according to Hradj, "He had almost no peripheral vision. He could barely see a thing." The man was found nude with this wire frame entangled in a hanging lamp. "We think he had been dusting," said another police officer, "because a feather duster was lying nearby, and his head gear had somehow become caught in the lamp, which was chained to the ceiling." The man allegedly choked to death trying to extricate himself from his predicament. According to his apartment manager, the white male in his mid-30's never left his apartment, and had food delivered weekly. Funeral services are planned for next week. His next of kin requested that his name be withheld. **************************************** A young Inuit man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. **************************************** A 27 year-old French woman lost control over her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing her. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi keyring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In attempting to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost the control and hit the tree causing a severe head trauma. DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: WINDSOR, ONTARIO, In February, according to Windsor police, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.) In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flame and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia. RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER THOMPSON, MANATOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feedhorn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manatoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they Heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought A twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
"Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes."
Ed Zachary A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date nor any sex in quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her personal physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went and saw him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Wang took one look at her and said, "OK, take off aw your crows." She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him. "Now," said Wang, "get down on knees and craw reery, reery, fass away from me to the other side of room." Having done that Dr. Wang said, "Okay, now turn around and craw reery, reery fass to me." Once again she obliged. Dr. Wang slowly shook his head, "OK, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you hauve Ed Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see.....that why you not have dates, that why you not have sex. Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?" Wang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your butt."
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